So, yesterday after church I had to run some errands. Kasey Stump and smooch were with me, he was of course asleep. We went to Home Depot, and I ran in and got what I needed. Then I had to go to pool store to get a new pool cleaner. We took a different way, a way I never go. We drove past a lemonade stand, it said "FREE LEMONADE" ~ I told Kasey we are stopping on the way home, it is to cute to pass up and I bet they are raising money for something. I felt compelled to go. So I stop, Smooch is asleep, Kasey stays in car with him. There was a sign Mangos ~ 2 for $4, ok I will help a kid out! So I go up and there is a little boy standing between his mom and grandma and Grandpa standing off to the side. There was a shoe box with a hole cut in the lid with DONATIONS written on it. I asked him what he was raising money for. He looked up at me and was chewing and shook his head no. His mom said when he is done chewing he will tell you. The kid had a HUGE piece of something, clearly it was going to be awhile, he whispered to his mom something and she looked at me and said.........
"We are raising money to put together bags together with PJ's and some clothes for kids in FOSTER CARE so they have something to wear when they get picked up". Well slap me silly and called me AMAZED!!!!! I fumbled out the words, I am right now in the process of getting licensed to Foster. And we talked for awhile..........
I had a weekend full of doubts and anxiety about things. Stress had crept in. I have my home inspection tonight and thought I was just overwhelmed with nerves. I kept praying for calm and assurance that I was indeed doing what He intended.
Well here's your sign FREE LEMONADE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I love GOD he is so cool that way...............
Monday, August 19, 2013
Monday, August 12, 2013
Monday August 12, 2013
So either last week or the week before I had an idea. Make 5 PB&J sandwiches and put some bottled water in a cooler and everyday on the way to work and from work I look for homeless people and give them a meal. The thought came and went, but mostly came. So yesterday after a most powerful day at church I said you know what, I can do this and I will do this. So Kasey and I went to Publix after church for groceries. I bought a loaf of bread (I already had the PB&J and water at home. Last night before bed I made 5 sandwiches and packed ice in zip loc bags and cleaned the cooler.
I prayed for God to lead me to people that needed a little meal. I had a dentist appointment this morning and I thought "opportunity to see more people". I didn't see anyone until I got on 95, I remembered I had been seeing a man sleep under the overpass for Broward Blvd. At first I was alarmed when I saw him, thinking he would be hurt or arrested. But I have seen him there most mornings. Today I stopped - ON THE HIGHWAY - I pulled over, turned on my flashers, got out in RUSH HOUR TRAFFIC and stood by him yelling for him to wake up. "BUDDY I have food" over and over, he didn't budge, then I thought Oh Dear God please let him be alive. Then I said "Sir I have food" and he stirred awake. Sat up and I said I brought you something to eat, he smiled, then I said I will pray for you. He said thank you. I said bye and got back in my car and headed to work. I will stop every morning I see him. God wants me to.
I have 4 more little meals and I know people are always on the corners in the afternoon. Maybe they like to sleep in.
I prayed for God to lead me to people that needed a little meal. I had a dentist appointment this morning and I thought "opportunity to see more people". I didn't see anyone until I got on 95, I remembered I had been seeing a man sleep under the overpass for Broward Blvd. At first I was alarmed when I saw him, thinking he would be hurt or arrested. But I have seen him there most mornings. Today I stopped - ON THE HIGHWAY - I pulled over, turned on my flashers, got out in RUSH HOUR TRAFFIC and stood by him yelling for him to wake up. "BUDDY I have food" over and over, he didn't budge, then I thought Oh Dear God please let him be alive. Then I said "Sir I have food" and he stirred awake. Sat up and I said I brought you something to eat, he smiled, then I said I will pray for you. He said thank you. I said bye and got back in my car and headed to work. I will stop every morning I see him. God wants me to.
I have 4 more little meals and I know people are always on the corners in the afternoon. Maybe they like to sleep in.
Friday, August 9, 2013
Friday August 9, 2013
I completed my CPR certification last night. Steve and Maggie came and also Kasey and Allison.
This week I have read
"A Child Called it" by Dave Pelzer
Orphanology
Parenting with Scripture
At M.A.P.P. we learned about what NOT to do in regards to correction or punishment for unwanted or wrong behavior.
I have not heard for the lawyer about adoption yet. I am going to send him another email.
Tomorrow the bunk beds are being delivered! I am so excited to get the room set up.
This week I have read
"A Child Called it" by Dave Pelzer
Orphanology
Parenting with Scripture
At M.A.P.P. we learned about what NOT to do in regards to correction or punishment for unwanted or wrong behavior.
I have not heard for the lawyer about adoption yet. I am going to send him another email.
Tomorrow the bunk beds are being delivered! I am so excited to get the room set up.
Monday, August 5, 2013
August 5, 2013
Prayer for the day:
Heavenly Father, I ask you today to shine your love on your children. Fill those with burdens or doubt with your everlasting love. Protect the fatherless, the poor and the widows of the world. Please bless and fill the pastors of our church will courage and love, shine down on them your spirit so that they are able to bring us to you each and every week. Bless the staff and worship team of the church as well.
God I ask that you fill Michelle with your love and your power and guide her to where you want her to be. Please Father bring Michaelle and Fortuna home to their parents, Shower Jay and Princess with your love and support so that they do not get discouraged. Jesus please guide and protect Brian as he continues to struggle with his burdens and demons. Fill him with purpose and fill him with your loving spirit Heavenly Father. Please bless Kasey and Kayden, Bob and Leah, Thelma and her family, Jen and her family, Dad & Doris, Mom & Stan. Heavenly Father please touch Austin and guide him in the right direction when he goes away for school. Give him the courage and control and knowledge to see which way to go. Your way Heavenly Father.
Heavenly Father I pray to you today to bless me as I go through my week, at work, at the MAPP classes, the CPR course, the furniture delivery for the Foster room. Jesus please continue to fill me with your love and your light. Guide me in the direction you have for me.. I surrender my life to you God. I lay it all down at your feet. I pray that you fill me with the knowledge to follow your path God.
I think often about being a Foster Parent, and I am in complete awe that I am actually doing this. It is indeed amazing how God works in all of us. Two years ago I would have never even consider it or had a conversation about it. Now I am so filled with purpose and drive, I find it consumes most of my thoughts. To be able to help the Orphans in this area is truly a gift from God.
I am also waiting to hear back from the attorney in regards to adopting Dani. Seth and jay are going down in a few weeks and I am hoping to send a letter along for her.
Heavenly Father, I ask you today to shine your love on your children. Fill those with burdens or doubt with your everlasting love. Protect the fatherless, the poor and the widows of the world. Please bless and fill the pastors of our church will courage and love, shine down on them your spirit so that they are able to bring us to you each and every week. Bless the staff and worship team of the church as well.
God I ask that you fill Michelle with your love and your power and guide her to where you want her to be. Please Father bring Michaelle and Fortuna home to their parents, Shower Jay and Princess with your love and support so that they do not get discouraged. Jesus please guide and protect Brian as he continues to struggle with his burdens and demons. Fill him with purpose and fill him with your loving spirit Heavenly Father. Please bless Kasey and Kayden, Bob and Leah, Thelma and her family, Jen and her family, Dad & Doris, Mom & Stan. Heavenly Father please touch Austin and guide him in the right direction when he goes away for school. Give him the courage and control and knowledge to see which way to go. Your way Heavenly Father.
Heavenly Father I pray to you today to bless me as I go through my week, at work, at the MAPP classes, the CPR course, the furniture delivery for the Foster room. Jesus please continue to fill me with your love and your light. Guide me in the direction you have for me.. I surrender my life to you God. I lay it all down at your feet. I pray that you fill me with the knowledge to follow your path God.
I think often about being a Foster Parent, and I am in complete awe that I am actually doing this. It is indeed amazing how God works in all of us. Two years ago I would have never even consider it or had a conversation about it. Now I am so filled with purpose and drive, I find it consumes most of my thoughts. To be able to help the Orphans in this area is truly a gift from God.
I am also waiting to hear back from the attorney in regards to adopting Dani. Seth and jay are going down in a few weeks and I am hoping to send a letter along for her.
Thursday, August 1, 2013
August 1, 2013
Good Morning God,
I thank you for the blessing you have given me, I thank you for loving me even when I am sinning, I thank you for this beautiful day and I ask that you give me strength, courage, understanding and love through out my day.
I ask you Father to watch over my family and friends, I ask that you fill the heart of those that face hardships today, Please bless the small children that may not eat today, please bless their parents so that they can feel you touching their lives. Help the poor, the orphans and the widows, help me God to see them and to also help them in the way you want me to.
Jesus I pray today that the process of adoption for Jay and Princess can be concluded and the girls can come to Florida to begin their new life here. Lay your healing hands on both Jay and Princess to lift the burden and sadness they both feel because the girls are in Haiti and not home.
Continue to guide and work through me Lord to remain on the path you have set for me.
Heavenly Father please bless and keep safe Kasey, Kayden, Lisa, AJ and RJ today as they travel to Orlando. I ask that you continue to work in Kasey and let your light be seen by her and her heart be filled with you.
Amen.
Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.
Mark 11:24
Foster Parent Process ~
Yesterday I was told by Jeff that Nathania called him for a reference. This part makes me nervous, what if I am denied because of a negative recommendation? This is my lack of self-confidence shining. I know I am a good parent, I know I am a loving, and considerate person, my friends know this of me too. I feel to prideful sometimes and this is not how God wants us to live.
I have bunk beds scheduled for Aug 10 delivery, I have CPR class booked for August 8, my paperwork is all in, they are calling my references. I am on track!
Again, yesterday I was asked "How many do you want? How old do you want? What if they go back?" Well, These are not black or white answers, they are all grey areas. I think legally I could foster 3-4 children based on my home size and beds. Ages ~ well probably 8 and younger, but would I take a adolescent or teenager? Possibly. The goal of the foster child programs is always first reunification with birth parent(s). So I know they probably will go back, but while they are in my care it is my responsibility to help them maintain their family ties if possible. It is not my job to shove my way of life down their throats. The best interest of the child is first and foremost. If I help that family keep in touch and reunite I may always be a part of their life. Will I get burned emotionally? Yea, probably. will I cry more for being a foster parent, yes. But if I can help one child find Jesus Christ as his/her savior, or help one child realize he/she is loved, or worth something, then I am doing the right thing.
I often think about what else can I do to be God's words and hands and feet. How do I let down my resistance to helping those that are panhandling? I don't need to control what they use the money for ~ right? The most I can do is pray for them. I have often thought about always having bottled water in my Jeep and some PB&J sandwiches to be able to give to those that are homeless, lost in this world. But what is stopping me from doing that? That's an easy answer and it does not make me feel good at all to realize the answer. "I am lazy and far to blind to see" I mean really, come on. Throw a case of water in the car, each night before bed make a few sandwiches, put them in a cooler and go to work in the morning. Or go to the store. In South Florida there are people at most every intersection asking for hand outs. My policy was was always "make no eye contact" I even went so far sometimes to hold my cell phone up and act like I was talking. Gahhhhh.
God forgive me of my ignorance and prejudice.
Since I started going to CCS I have been tithing weekly and also donating for the building fund, I have sponsored a child and a youth for their camps this summer. I have Helped Haiti's Hope with their projects. I like giving, I really do, I do not do it for a big 'ol thank you. I have for awhile now donated to and helped pet rescue projects. All of that stuff was easy, it really requires non of my time, after all who has time to spend a few hours actually working somewhere? WE.ALL.DO!
I live alone, well kinda; I have three (3) Labradors, four (4) cats (all rescues) and a few chickens for fresh eggs. I do give the eggs to friends at church and work and just friends. That's good right? Wait, no one is keeping score. My point was other than going to work M-F and church on Sunday how do I use my free time? I recently realized that this is a good practice to start, evaluating how I spend my time. On first thinking about this I say "I am so busy". Really? Am I? We all have stuff to do, but taking time to help someone you see that is homeless, or hungry, or a team of kids raising money for their team or their cause is important. I have to hand my pride and selfishness over to God, and allow him to guide me where he wants me to go.
Waking up 30 minutes earlier seems like just crazy talk, but in doing that I could do something positive to help the people in my community that need it. Random acts of kindness, we hear about them pretty often, pictures on Facebook and Pinterest, we think wow how cool, I will do that at Christmas, but do we ever really do it? I do not. God wants us to help the poor.
Whoever is generous to the poor lends to the Lord, and he will repay him for his deed
Proverbs 19:17
When I was a child I really never questioned things, well at least I do not remember doing it. My parents divorced when I was in 4th grade, (I think) I am not sure when the actual decree was signed. But I remember one day my mom picking my little sister and I up from school, my older sister was already in the car. We sat in the back and did not speak. We pulled up to an apartment complex, I remember her saying we are visiting a friend. We walked in and it quickly occurred to me that our stuff was here, what she said did not make sense. But I didn't question it. We were told to go upstairs and find our rooms and unpack. I do not remember thinking why? Or even praying. No one ever explained divorce to us and I am not sure we even got it then.
We went to a Lutheran church, every Sunday we had to get up, go to Sunday School and church. We were dropped off at the church and we went to our classrooms, then my mom and stepfather came for church. It did occur to my that we should not have to go to Sunday school if they don't go. But I never questioned it. The church was traditional, the Sunday School was traditional. We sang hymns, we had programs to follow, we had to take classes so we could take communion, my younger sister and I had to be acolytes. We were involved in the Youth Group. But I never once remember actually sitting down and praying, really praying to God.
I got married in that church and then we went to his church, a Methodist one. Slightly more relaxed, the people were definitely friendlier, and when our kids came along we took them there. But still I do not remember praying, well occasionally a last ditch effort to bargain was made, but apparently God does not work that way. I volunteered for VBS, I was in charge of crafts! Just my thing. But I never really connected with any of the children, after all I had my opinions on their rearing.
We didn't go to church every Sunday, we did dedicate our children to God as they suggested rather that baptism. It should be a person's choice to be baptized. Still do not remember praying or even really feeling all that connected with God.
Then it happened, the world I knew blew up, everything was out of control, my husband of 10 years was diagnosed with a brain tumor, the worst of the worst kind. Through testing, meds, radiation, chemo we fought together. I took the kids to a counselor as someone had suggested. I shaved his hair off because we were sure the clumps of hair falling out would scare the kids. I shaved my son's head because he wanted to look like daddy. We went to church every Sunday he was able, he prayed, I prayed, everyone at church prayed for us, for him. We continued on like a normal family, adjusting things just a bit, he didn't want things to change to much. We went to softball games for our daughter, we went to little league games for our son. He used to be the coach, but this season he couldn't, so we went and watched, he sat by the fence close to the kids so he could give encouragement. His friends took him to baseball games, people brought food, my dad took him to appointments while I took the children to their appointments. He never gave up, he always said God will cure this. He and his family were believers, I wasn't so sure.
I started to question things, why would God do this to such a good person? And with that thought, the devil got his foot hold on my heart. Things escalated quickly, more and more time in the hospital, less and less good things. And then the door was slammed shut in my face. My world as I knew it ceased, nothing would ever be the same again and now I was a widow with a 7 and 9 year old to raise alone. Once the funeral was over I wanted to make things seem as normal as possible for them. Which translated is denial for me. All the family and all the friends stopped coming, stopped calling, after all what do you say to a 29 year old widow? So it's easier to say nothing. I often wondered why this was happening to me. And everyone's favorite saying ~ "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger". We you can take that one and shove it as far as I was concerned. It din't help one bit.
So that was 1994, by 1998 I had moved (ie. ran away) with my children to South Florida. And we just kept doing each day that came. I still wondered why. By 2010 I was pretty miserable, full of hate and bigotry, no patience for anyone, plagued with insomnia, chronic pain, stress and alone. Relationships came and went, I would get annoyed with them and then create problems just so I could justify ending things. My children both went to college and moved out on their own. By then I was pretty good at being the "fixer", I tried to fix everyone. Yet no one got fixed "right". Not even me. Then the conversation with my dad, a relationship that seemed awesome until the truths came out, but he did get me to go to church that day and find God again. Ya know that feeling when you realize you are just tired, tired of being the fixture, tired of giving suggestions gingerly as to not hurt feelings, tired of the stress of not know what lies ahead? Well that is where I was at the beginning of 2013. Done with the relationship, done with trying to fix everyone. I had a grandson that was turning one and I was missing out on things.
"You should go to Haiti with us"
Seven words ~ probably spoken while thinking "she won't". I was the person who really didn't commit to anything, didn't go anywhere, in fact going to the grocery store was horrifying to me. Crowds of people, fear of being alone, no real friends. Yea, occasionally I was invited somewhere and went just so people didn't think I was the crazy lady with all the animals. The fact that I committed to go to Haiti with practical strangers was so far out of my box it was almost laughable. When I told my daughter I was going I could see the relief and joy spread through her, after all the conversations of me never doing anything I was doing something and I was going to do something big!
Like I said before things started to fall into place, like pieces of a puzzle. I already had those essential corner pieces; Church, God, Prayer, Courage. Now I needed to fill in other pieces, it wasn't a conscience thought that I had to this it, it was like a bunch of "ah ha" moments followed by "now that makes sense" My daughter came to church, she started asking me questions about "how long it took for me to go from where I was to where I am", she started to ask about prayer. I pray for her and her son everyday, and those prayers were being answered.
At one of the pre Haiti meetings someone said "Don't be surprised that the week leading up to us leaving is filled with bad things happening". It is true, the closer you get to God, the bigger the banana peel the devil pulls out. I think in that week I broke two glasses, got a nail in a tire, locked myself out of my house once, had a dog needing emergency vet care. But I did not falter, nor did I whine and say "why me". I knew why, and I knew I was winning, and I knew God was right there with me.
The day that we were to leave Haiti we were all faced with a question "What does he want us to do here?"
As we approached the airport we saw a plane half on and half off the run way. As we got closer we all were like "ut oh". The airport was closed, there were thousands of people everywhere. Jay and Seth went inside to find out what was going on. A plane crashed the day before carrying peace keepers, no one was hurt, but the airport is closed until they can get the plane off the runway. Instantly I panicked. I was freaking out. You see there was no picking up a phone and calling home, we all went inside in order to use the wi-fi to get text messages out. I had only an iPad, no phone and I could not send a text. I went to Haiti on a long weekend and never told my bosses where I was going because I "knew" they would not be happy and they might make feel like I should not go. I was freaking out, but I knew there was nothing I could do, we had no idea how long we would be there, but I knew one thing, WE GET TO SEE THE KIDS AGAIN!!!
We went back to the house and just kind of hung out. Summer and I had to get back ASAP, we both were very upset. Seth called his wife and they started working on grabbing whatever flights we could get. The first of us left two days later and some followed each day until Saturday. Jay had to give the message that weekend, so we all decided to show our church what a mighty team we are, we sat up front. But really it was non of us wanted it to end. We needed to be together, working hard, holding babies, sweating, playing cards, talking. There was no TV, the electric only worked part of the time, so we bonded. I have 17 new friends (and add their spouses) and when we all see each other it is awesome. We talk about future trips, we talk about God and his work through us, but sometimes we just are together and that is good.
So why do things happen to me that make me ask "why?' Well because God has a plan for me and sometimes I have to go through some pretty bad stuff before I can get to a puzzle piece.
“Fear not, for you will not be ashamed; be not confounded, for you will not be disgraced; for you will forget the shame of your youth, and the reproach of your widowhood you will remember no more. For your Maker is your husband, the Lord of hosts is his name; and the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer, the God of the whole earth he is called.
Isaiah 54:4-5
For years I wondered why am I a widow? Of all things to be titled, I didn't really like that name. When completing forms they always ask; single, divorced, widow. Why? Why do I need to tell you I am a widow why can't I just say single? I didn't want people to look at me with pity, I am a strong, independent woman. I raised two kids by myself and neither ended up in jail. In fact they both graduated college with degrees pertaining to Criminal Justice and Forensics. So please don't pity me and don't get all indignant when I refuse to ask for help. But if you could please tell me why this happened to me.
Awhile ago it no longer was a question in my heart as to why. It was just ~ well ~ a good thing because God looks at widows with his special grace. So it doesn't matter why, it isn't what defines me, it just is. Yea I still hate that it happened to my family, but we are OK with it.
Sell your possessions and give to the poor. Provide purses for yourselves that will not wear out, a treasure in heaven that will never fail, where no thief comes near and no moth destroys.
I thank you for the blessing you have given me, I thank you for loving me even when I am sinning, I thank you for this beautiful day and I ask that you give me strength, courage, understanding and love through out my day.
I ask you Father to watch over my family and friends, I ask that you fill the heart of those that face hardships today, Please bless the small children that may not eat today, please bless their parents so that they can feel you touching their lives. Help the poor, the orphans and the widows, help me God to see them and to also help them in the way you want me to.
Jesus I pray today that the process of adoption for Jay and Princess can be concluded and the girls can come to Florida to begin their new life here. Lay your healing hands on both Jay and Princess to lift the burden and sadness they both feel because the girls are in Haiti and not home.
Continue to guide and work through me Lord to remain on the path you have set for me.
Heavenly Father please bless and keep safe Kasey, Kayden, Lisa, AJ and RJ today as they travel to Orlando. I ask that you continue to work in Kasey and let your light be seen by her and her heart be filled with you.
Amen.
Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.
Mark 11:24
Foster Parent Process ~
Yesterday I was told by Jeff that Nathania called him for a reference. This part makes me nervous, what if I am denied because of a negative recommendation? This is my lack of self-confidence shining. I know I am a good parent, I know I am a loving, and considerate person, my friends know this of me too. I feel to prideful sometimes and this is not how God wants us to live.
I have bunk beds scheduled for Aug 10 delivery, I have CPR class booked for August 8, my paperwork is all in, they are calling my references. I am on track!
Again, yesterday I was asked "How many do you want? How old do you want? What if they go back?" Well, These are not black or white answers, they are all grey areas. I think legally I could foster 3-4 children based on my home size and beds. Ages ~ well probably 8 and younger, but would I take a adolescent or teenager? Possibly. The goal of the foster child programs is always first reunification with birth parent(s). So I know they probably will go back, but while they are in my care it is my responsibility to help them maintain their family ties if possible. It is not my job to shove my way of life down their throats. The best interest of the child is first and foremost. If I help that family keep in touch and reunite I may always be a part of their life. Will I get burned emotionally? Yea, probably. will I cry more for being a foster parent, yes. But if I can help one child find Jesus Christ as his/her savior, or help one child realize he/she is loved, or worth something, then I am doing the right thing.
I often think about what else can I do to be God's words and hands and feet. How do I let down my resistance to helping those that are panhandling? I don't need to control what they use the money for ~ right? The most I can do is pray for them. I have often thought about always having bottled water in my Jeep and some PB&J sandwiches to be able to give to those that are homeless, lost in this world. But what is stopping me from doing that? That's an easy answer and it does not make me feel good at all to realize the answer. "I am lazy and far to blind to see" I mean really, come on. Throw a case of water in the car, each night before bed make a few sandwiches, put them in a cooler and go to work in the morning. Or go to the store. In South Florida there are people at most every intersection asking for hand outs. My policy was was always "make no eye contact" I even went so far sometimes to hold my cell phone up and act like I was talking. Gahhhhh.
God forgive me of my ignorance and prejudice.
Since I started going to CCS I have been tithing weekly and also donating for the building fund, I have sponsored a child and a youth for their camps this summer. I have Helped Haiti's Hope with their projects. I like giving, I really do, I do not do it for a big 'ol thank you. I have for awhile now donated to and helped pet rescue projects. All of that stuff was easy, it really requires non of my time, after all who has time to spend a few hours actually working somewhere? WE.ALL.DO!
I live alone, well kinda; I have three (3) Labradors, four (4) cats (all rescues) and a few chickens for fresh eggs. I do give the eggs to friends at church and work and just friends. That's good right? Wait, no one is keeping score. My point was other than going to work M-F and church on Sunday how do I use my free time? I recently realized that this is a good practice to start, evaluating how I spend my time. On first thinking about this I say "I am so busy". Really? Am I? We all have stuff to do, but taking time to help someone you see that is homeless, or hungry, or a team of kids raising money for their team or their cause is important. I have to hand my pride and selfishness over to God, and allow him to guide me where he wants me to go.
Waking up 30 minutes earlier seems like just crazy talk, but in doing that I could do something positive to help the people in my community that need it. Random acts of kindness, we hear about them pretty often, pictures on Facebook and Pinterest, we think wow how cool, I will do that at Christmas, but do we ever really do it? I do not. God wants us to help the poor.
Whoever is generous to the poor lends to the Lord, and he will repay him for his deed
Proverbs 19:17
When I was a child I really never questioned things, well at least I do not remember doing it. My parents divorced when I was in 4th grade, (I think) I am not sure when the actual decree was signed. But I remember one day my mom picking my little sister and I up from school, my older sister was already in the car. We sat in the back and did not speak. We pulled up to an apartment complex, I remember her saying we are visiting a friend. We walked in and it quickly occurred to me that our stuff was here, what she said did not make sense. But I didn't question it. We were told to go upstairs and find our rooms and unpack. I do not remember thinking why? Or even praying. No one ever explained divorce to us and I am not sure we even got it then.
We went to a Lutheran church, every Sunday we had to get up, go to Sunday School and church. We were dropped off at the church and we went to our classrooms, then my mom and stepfather came for church. It did occur to my that we should not have to go to Sunday school if they don't go. But I never questioned it. The church was traditional, the Sunday School was traditional. We sang hymns, we had programs to follow, we had to take classes so we could take communion, my younger sister and I had to be acolytes. We were involved in the Youth Group. But I never once remember actually sitting down and praying, really praying to God.
I got married in that church and then we went to his church, a Methodist one. Slightly more relaxed, the people were definitely friendlier, and when our kids came along we took them there. But still I do not remember praying, well occasionally a last ditch effort to bargain was made, but apparently God does not work that way. I volunteered for VBS, I was in charge of crafts! Just my thing. But I never really connected with any of the children, after all I had my opinions on their rearing.
We didn't go to church every Sunday, we did dedicate our children to God as they suggested rather that baptism. It should be a person's choice to be baptized. Still do not remember praying or even really feeling all that connected with God.
Then it happened, the world I knew blew up, everything was out of control, my husband of 10 years was diagnosed with a brain tumor, the worst of the worst kind. Through testing, meds, radiation, chemo we fought together. I took the kids to a counselor as someone had suggested. I shaved his hair off because we were sure the clumps of hair falling out would scare the kids. I shaved my son's head because he wanted to look like daddy. We went to church every Sunday he was able, he prayed, I prayed, everyone at church prayed for us, for him. We continued on like a normal family, adjusting things just a bit, he didn't want things to change to much. We went to softball games for our daughter, we went to little league games for our son. He used to be the coach, but this season he couldn't, so we went and watched, he sat by the fence close to the kids so he could give encouragement. His friends took him to baseball games, people brought food, my dad took him to appointments while I took the children to their appointments. He never gave up, he always said God will cure this. He and his family were believers, I wasn't so sure.
I started to question things, why would God do this to such a good person? And with that thought, the devil got his foot hold on my heart. Things escalated quickly, more and more time in the hospital, less and less good things. And then the door was slammed shut in my face. My world as I knew it ceased, nothing would ever be the same again and now I was a widow with a 7 and 9 year old to raise alone. Once the funeral was over I wanted to make things seem as normal as possible for them. Which translated is denial for me. All the family and all the friends stopped coming, stopped calling, after all what do you say to a 29 year old widow? So it's easier to say nothing. I often wondered why this was happening to me. And everyone's favorite saying ~ "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger". We you can take that one and shove it as far as I was concerned. It din't help one bit.
So that was 1994, by 1998 I had moved (ie. ran away) with my children to South Florida. And we just kept doing each day that came. I still wondered why. By 2010 I was pretty miserable, full of hate and bigotry, no patience for anyone, plagued with insomnia, chronic pain, stress and alone. Relationships came and went, I would get annoyed with them and then create problems just so I could justify ending things. My children both went to college and moved out on their own. By then I was pretty good at being the "fixer", I tried to fix everyone. Yet no one got fixed "right". Not even me. Then the conversation with my dad, a relationship that seemed awesome until the truths came out, but he did get me to go to church that day and find God again. Ya know that feeling when you realize you are just tired, tired of being the fixture, tired of giving suggestions gingerly as to not hurt feelings, tired of the stress of not know what lies ahead? Well that is where I was at the beginning of 2013. Done with the relationship, done with trying to fix everyone. I had a grandson that was turning one and I was missing out on things.
"You should go to Haiti with us"
Seven words ~ probably spoken while thinking "she won't". I was the person who really didn't commit to anything, didn't go anywhere, in fact going to the grocery store was horrifying to me. Crowds of people, fear of being alone, no real friends. Yea, occasionally I was invited somewhere and went just so people didn't think I was the crazy lady with all the animals. The fact that I committed to go to Haiti with practical strangers was so far out of my box it was almost laughable. When I told my daughter I was going I could see the relief and joy spread through her, after all the conversations of me never doing anything I was doing something and I was going to do something big!
Like I said before things started to fall into place, like pieces of a puzzle. I already had those essential corner pieces; Church, God, Prayer, Courage. Now I needed to fill in other pieces, it wasn't a conscience thought that I had to this it, it was like a bunch of "ah ha" moments followed by "now that makes sense" My daughter came to church, she started asking me questions about "how long it took for me to go from where I was to where I am", she started to ask about prayer. I pray for her and her son everyday, and those prayers were being answered.
At one of the pre Haiti meetings someone said "Don't be surprised that the week leading up to us leaving is filled with bad things happening". It is true, the closer you get to God, the bigger the banana peel the devil pulls out. I think in that week I broke two glasses, got a nail in a tire, locked myself out of my house once, had a dog needing emergency vet care. But I did not falter, nor did I whine and say "why me". I knew why, and I knew I was winning, and I knew God was right there with me.
The day that we were to leave Haiti we were all faced with a question "What does he want us to do here?"
As we approached the airport we saw a plane half on and half off the run way. As we got closer we all were like "ut oh". The airport was closed, there were thousands of people everywhere. Jay and Seth went inside to find out what was going on. A plane crashed the day before carrying peace keepers, no one was hurt, but the airport is closed until they can get the plane off the runway. Instantly I panicked. I was freaking out. You see there was no picking up a phone and calling home, we all went inside in order to use the wi-fi to get text messages out. I had only an iPad, no phone and I could not send a text. I went to Haiti on a long weekend and never told my bosses where I was going because I "knew" they would not be happy and they might make feel like I should not go. I was freaking out, but I knew there was nothing I could do, we had no idea how long we would be there, but I knew one thing, WE GET TO SEE THE KIDS AGAIN!!!
We went back to the house and just kind of hung out. Summer and I had to get back ASAP, we both were very upset. Seth called his wife and they started working on grabbing whatever flights we could get. The first of us left two days later and some followed each day until Saturday. Jay had to give the message that weekend, so we all decided to show our church what a mighty team we are, we sat up front. But really it was non of us wanted it to end. We needed to be together, working hard, holding babies, sweating, playing cards, talking. There was no TV, the electric only worked part of the time, so we bonded. I have 17 new friends (and add their spouses) and when we all see each other it is awesome. We talk about future trips, we talk about God and his work through us, but sometimes we just are together and that is good.
So why do things happen to me that make me ask "why?' Well because God has a plan for me and sometimes I have to go through some pretty bad stuff before I can get to a puzzle piece.
“Fear not, for you will not be ashamed; be not confounded, for you will not be disgraced; for you will forget the shame of your youth, and the reproach of your widowhood you will remember no more. For your Maker is your husband, the Lord of hosts is his name; and the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer, the God of the whole earth he is called.
Isaiah 54:4-5
For years I wondered why am I a widow? Of all things to be titled, I didn't really like that name. When completing forms they always ask; single, divorced, widow. Why? Why do I need to tell you I am a widow why can't I just say single? I didn't want people to look at me with pity, I am a strong, independent woman. I raised two kids by myself and neither ended up in jail. In fact they both graduated college with degrees pertaining to Criminal Justice and Forensics. So please don't pity me and don't get all indignant when I refuse to ask for help. But if you could please tell me why this happened to me.
Awhile ago it no longer was a question in my heart as to why. It was just ~ well ~ a good thing because God looks at widows with his special grace. So it doesn't matter why, it isn't what defines me, it just is. Yea I still hate that it happened to my family, but we are OK with it.
Sell your possessions and give to the poor. Provide purses for yourselves that will not wear out, a treasure in heaven that will never fail, where no thief comes near and no moth destroys.
Luke 12:33
Do I really have to sell my stuff? All of it? No I don't think is what he wants from me, I could of course be wrong right now in this moment, but maybe in the future it will be the only thing that makes sense. I think of myself as a pretty giving person, I would give whatever I could to help family or friends, donate to causes. I would love to be able to say "Yea I quit my job, sold my house and Jeep and I am moving to Haiti to work in an orphanage." But right now that is not realistic for me. So right now I do what I can, I think about my spending, I think about my habits. While in Haiti I realized what a wasteful person I am. They have no hot water, they really don't have drinking water flowing, they do not have power but for a few hours a day, they shop for food as they need it, they wash clothes my hand, they don't have a/c 24/7. But these people make it with so little. I was a utility hog. My house was always cold, my cupboards always full, I ran the water while brushing my teeth, in fact I used to turn on the shower, go turn off the house alarm, let the dogs out, feed the chickens, come back in and then shower. Gallons of water wasted, when the people in Haiti have not one gallon of water sometimes. I have curbed my spending, my utility usage as well. I don't shop online like I am solely responsible for keeping the economy afloat. I turn lights off when I am not in the room.
My personal opinion on thoughtless spending has changed drastically. No more Dunkin Donut coffee every morning, I use a refillable water bottle all day, I have a Brita jug for my water at work, I make my own laundry detergent and soap, I raise chickens for eggs, I do not order my lunch everyday anymore. Just the coffee and the lunches Monday - Friday saves me over $4,500.00 a year. OK, stop, sit down and read that again. OVER $4,500.00 a year. On laziness. Yup, I was to lazy to make my own coffee and really to lazy to pack my own lunch, after all I didn't cook dinner for just me so what would I have for left overs? I have really no true idea on what that could do in Haiti but I imagine quite a bit. I know for about $3,000.00 you can put a well in, I know that for $2,500.00 you can provide a chicken coop and chickens so that a village can sell and eat the eggs and chickens. I heard once that for $2,500.00 you could buy a truck load of food. I have had my every whim met for a long time, I really never go without. I remember while in Haiti one of the girls turned the shower on and then came out to get something and we all said "Did you really leave the water running?" Like it was a first degree felony! But for them, that could have meant the well ran dry, the food was not able to be cleaned and cooked.
Perspective ~ it is all really how God changes the way you see things. When God comes into your heart and the negative things start to leave your heart you start to realize "wow, if you would have told me this a year ago I would have had you locked up". But now it is so true in your heart you cannot really remember why or how you were so filled with darkness. That is the power of God!
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