September 23, 2013

I
GOT
MY
LICENSE
today!

I got the call and was overwhelmed to the point of crying.  Now I wait for a placement call. I am excited, nervous and ready to go.

Friday September 13, 2013

I finished my M.A.P.P. classes on Tuesday, on Wednesday my home study was sent to ChildNet. I pray everyday things move quickly.

This morning driving to work I saw three small children walking to school, the oldest was maybe 8, maybe, All three were eating a small bag of chips.  Was that their breakfast? Why wasn't an adult walking them to school. Surely they are to young to make that walk to school alone. Are they being fed properly? Are they being loved? Do they get tucked into bed at night? Do they get a kiss goodnight? Their image is consuming me.
What can I do? God, tell me what can I do? Everything that comes to mind could be seen as predatory. I cannot ask who they are at school. Privacy an all.  Do I hang around in hopes to seeing them again? Do I speak to them? Give them food? Lord God what will you have me do? Please tell me.

August 19, 2013

So, yesterday after church I had to run some errands. Kasey Stump and smooch were with me, he was of course asleep. We went to Home Depot, and I ran in and got what I needed. Then I had to go to pool store to get a new pool cleaner. We took a different way, a way I never go. We drove past a lemonade stand, it said "FREE LEMONADE" ~ I told Kasey we are stopping on the way home, it is to cute to pass up and I bet they are raising money for something. I felt compelled to go. So I stop, Smooch is asleep, Kasey stays in car with him. There was a sign Mangos ~ 2 for $4, ok I will help a kid out! So I go up and there is a little boy standing between his mom and grandma and Grandpa standing off to the side. There was a shoe box with a hole cut in the lid with DONATIONS written on it. I asked him what he was raising money for. He looked up at me and was chewing and shook his head no. His mom said when he is done chewing he will tell you. The kid had a HUGE piece of something, clearly it was going to be awhile, he whispered to his mom something and she looked at me and said.........
"We are raising money to put together bags together with PJ's and some clothes for kids in FOSTER CARE so they have something to wear when they get picked up". Well slap me silly and called me AMAZED!!!!! I fumbled out the words, I am right now in the process of getting licensed to Foster. And we talked for awhile..........
I had a weekend full of doubts and anxiety about things. Stress had crept in. I have my home inspection tonight and thought I was just overwhelmed with nerves. I kept praying for calm and assurance that I was indeed doing what He intended. 
Well here's your sign FREE LEMONADE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I love GOD he is so cool that way...............

Monday August 12, 2013

So either last week or the week before I had an idea. Make 5 PB&J sandwiches and put some bottled water in a cooler and everyday on the way to work and from work I look for homeless people and give them a meal. The thought came and went, but mostly came.  So yesterday after a most powerful day at church I said you know what, I can do this and I will do this.  So Kasey and I went to Publix after church for groceries.  I bought a loaf of bread (I already had the PB&J and water at home.  Last night before bed I made 5 sandwiches and packed ice in zip loc bags and cleaned the cooler.

I prayed for God to lead me to people that needed a little meal.  I had a dentist appointment this morning and I thought "opportunity to see more people".  I didn't see anyone until I got on 95, I remembered I had been seeing a man sleep under the overpass for Broward Blvd.  At first I was alarmed when I saw him, thinking he would be hurt or arrested.  But I have seen him there most mornings.  Today I stopped - ON THE HIGHWAY - I pulled over, turned on my flashers, got out in RUSH HOUR TRAFFIC and stood by him yelling for him to wake up.  "BUDDY I have food" over and over, he didn't budge, then I thought Oh Dear God please let him be alive. Then I said "Sir I have food" and he stirred awake. Sat up and I said I brought you something to eat, he smiled, then I said I will pray for you. He said thank you. I said bye and got back in my car and headed to work.  I will stop every morning I see him.  God wants me to.

I have 4 more little meals and I know people are always on the corners in the afternoon. Maybe they like to sleep in.

Friday August 9, 2013

I completed my CPR certification last night.  Steve and Maggie came and also Kasey and Allison.

This week I have read
 "A Child Called it" by Dave Pelzer
Orphanology
Parenting with Scripture

At M.A.P.P. we learned about what NOT to do in regards to correction or punishment for unwanted or wrong behavior.

I have not heard for the lawyer about adoption yet.  I am going to send him another email.

Tomorrow the bunk beds are being delivered! I am so excited to get the room set up.

August 5, 2013

Prayer for the day:

Heavenly Father, I ask you today to shine your love on your children. Fill those with burdens or doubt with your everlasting love. Protect the fatherless, the poor and the widows of the world. Please bless and fill the pastors of our church will courage and love, shine down on them your spirit so that they are able to bring us to you each and every week.  Bless the staff and worship team of the church as well.

God I ask that you fill Michelle with your love and your power and guide her to where you want her to be. Please Father bring Michaelle and Fortuna home to their parents, Shower Jay and Princess with your love and support so that they do not get discouraged. Jesus please guide and protect Brian as he continues to struggle with his burdens and demons. Fill him with purpose and fill him with your loving spirit Heavenly Father. Please bless Kasey and Kayden, Bob and Leah, Thelma and her family, Jen and her family, Dad & Doris, Mom & Stan.  Heavenly Father please touch Austin and guide him in the right direction when he goes away for school. Give him the courage and control and knowledge to see which way to go.  Your way Heavenly Father.

Heavenly Father I pray to you today to bless me as I go through my week, at work, at the MAPP classes, the CPR course, the furniture delivery for the Foster room.  Jesus please continue to fill me with your love and your light.  Guide me in the direction you have for me..  I surrender my life to you God.  I lay it all down at your feet. I pray that you fill me with the knowledge to follow your path God.

I think often about being a Foster Parent, and I am in complete awe that I am actually doing this.  It is indeed amazing how God works in all of us. Two years ago I would have never even consider it or had a conversation about it.  Now I am so filled with purpose and drive, I find it consumes most of my thoughts. To be able to help the Orphans in this area is truly a gift from God.

I am also waiting to hear back from the attorney in regards to adopting Dani. Seth and jay are going down in a few weeks and I am hoping to send a letter along for her.

August 1, 2013

Good Morning God,

I thank you for the blessing you have given me, I thank you for loving me even when I am sinning, I thank you for this beautiful day and I ask that you give me strength, courage, understanding and love through out my day.
I ask you Father to watch over my family and friends, I ask that you fill the heart of those that face hardships today, Please bless the small children that may not eat today, please bless their parents so that they can feel you touching their lives. Help the poor, the orphans and the widows, help me God to see them and to also help them in the way you want me to.
Jesus I pray today that the process of adoption for Jay and Princess can be concluded and the girls can come to Florida to begin their new life here. Lay your healing hands on both Jay and Princess to lift the burden and sadness they both feel because the girls are in Haiti and not home. 
Continue to guide and work through me Lord to remain on the path you have set for me.
Heavenly Father please bless and keep safe Kasey, Kayden, Lisa, AJ and RJ today as they travel to Orlando. I ask that you continue to work in Kasey and let your light be seen by her and her heart be filled with you.
Amen.

                            Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it                               will be yours.
                                                                            Mark 11:24

Foster Parent Process ~
Yesterday I was told by Jeff that Nathania called him for a reference. This part makes me nervous, what if I am denied because of a negative recommendation? This is my lack of self-confidence shining.  I know I am a good parent, I know I am a loving, and considerate person, my friends know this of me too. I feel to prideful sometimes and this is not how God wants us to live. 
I have bunk beds scheduled for Aug 10 delivery, I have CPR class booked for August 8, my paperwork is all in, they are calling my references.  I am on track!

Again, yesterday I was asked "How many do you want? How old do you want? What if they go back?"  Well, These are not black or white answers, they are all grey areas. I think legally I could foster 3-4 children based on my home size and beds. Ages ~ well probably 8 and younger, but would I take a adolescent or teenager? Possibly. The goal of the foster child programs is always first reunification with birth parent(s). So I know they probably will go back, but while they are in my care it is my responsibility to help them maintain their family ties if possible.  It is not my job to shove my way of life down their throats.  The best interest of the child is first and foremost. If I help that family keep in touch and reunite I may always be a part of their life.  Will I get burned emotionally? Yea, probably. will I cry more for being a foster parent, yes. But if I can help one child find Jesus Christ as his/her savior, or help one child realize he/she is loved, or worth something, then I am doing the right thing. 

I often think about what else can I do to be God's words and hands and feet. How do I let down my resistance to helping those that are panhandling? I don't need to control what they use the money for ~ right? The most I can do is pray for them.  I have often thought about always having bottled water in my Jeep and some PB&J sandwiches to be able to give to those that are homeless, lost in this world. But what is stopping me from doing that? That's an easy answer and it does not make me feel good at all to realize the answer. "I am lazy and far to blind to see"  I mean really, come on.  Throw a case of water in the car, each night before bed make a few sandwiches, put them in a cooler and go to work in the morning. Or go to the store.  In South Florida there are people at most every intersection asking for hand outs. My policy was was always "make no eye contact" I even went so far sometimes to hold my cell phone up and act like I was talking. Gahhhhh.

God forgive me of my ignorance and prejudice.  

Since I started going to CCS I have been tithing weekly and also donating for the building fund, I have sponsored a child and a youth for their camps this summer. I have Helped Haiti's Hope with their projects.  I like giving, I really do, I do not do it for a big 'ol thank you.  I have for awhile now donated to and helped pet rescue projects. All of that stuff was easy, it really requires non of my time, after all who has time to spend a few hours actually working somewhere? WE.ALL.DO!

I live alone, well kinda; I have three (3) Labradors, four (4) cats (all rescues) and a few chickens for fresh eggs.  I do give the eggs to friends at church and work and just friends. That's good right? Wait, no one is keeping score. My point was other than going to work M-F and church on Sunday how do I use my free time? I recently realized that this is a good practice to start, evaluating how I spend my time. On first thinking about this I say "I am so busy". Really? Am I? We all have stuff to do, but taking time to help someone you see that is homeless, or hungry, or a team of kids raising money for their team or their cause is important. I have to hand my pride and selfishness over to God, and allow him to guide me where he wants me to go.

Waking up 30 minutes earlier seems like just crazy talk, but in doing that I could do something positive to help the people in my community that need it. Random acts of kindness, we hear about them pretty often, pictures on Facebook and Pinterest, we think wow how cool, I will do that at Christmas, but do we ever really do it? I do not. God wants us to help the poor.

    Whoever is generous to the poor lends to the Lord, and he will repay him for his deed
                                                                                                                Proverbs 19:17


When I was a child I really never questioned things, well at least I do not remember doing it.  My parents divorced when I was in 4th grade, (I think) I am not sure when the actual decree was signed.  But I remember one day my mom picking my little sister and I up from school, my older sister was already in the car.  We sat in the back and did not speak. We pulled up to an apartment complex, I remember her saying we are visiting a friend. We walked in and it quickly occurred to me that our stuff  was here, what she said did not make sense. But I didn't question it. We were told to go upstairs and find our rooms and unpack. I do not remember thinking why? Or even praying. No one ever explained divorce to us and I am not sure we even got it then. 

We went to a Lutheran church, every Sunday we had to get up, go to Sunday School and church. We were dropped off at the church and we went to our classrooms, then my mom and stepfather came for church. It did occur to my that we should not have to go to Sunday school if they don't go.  But I never questioned it. The church was traditional, the Sunday School was traditional. We sang hymns, we had programs to follow, we had to take classes so we could take communion, my younger sister and I had to be acolytes. We were involved in the Youth Group. But I never once remember actually sitting down and praying, really praying to God. 

I got married in that church and then we went to his church, a Methodist one. Slightly more relaxed, the people were definitely friendlier, and when our kids came along we took them there.  But still I do not remember praying, well occasionally a last ditch effort to bargain was made, but apparently God does not work that way. I volunteered for VBS, I was in charge of crafts! Just my thing. But I never really connected with any of the children, after all I had my opinions on their rearing.  

We didn't go to church every Sunday, we did dedicate our children to God as they suggested rather that baptism.  It should be a person's choice to be baptized.  Still do not remember praying or even really feeling all that connected with God. 

Then it happened, the world I knew blew up, everything was out of control, my husband of 10 years was diagnosed with a brain tumor, the worst of the worst kind. Through testing, meds, radiation, chemo we fought together. I took the kids to a counselor as someone had suggested. I shaved his hair off because we were sure the clumps of hair falling out would scare the kids.  I shaved my son's head because he wanted to look like daddy. We went to church every Sunday he was able, he prayed, I prayed, everyone at church prayed for us, for him. We continued on like a normal family, adjusting things just a bit, he didn't want things to change to much.  We went to softball games for our daughter, we went to little league games for our son. He used to be the coach, but this season he couldn't, so we went and watched, he sat by the fence close to the kids so he could give encouragement. His friends took him to baseball games, people brought food, my dad took him to appointments while I took the children to their appointments. He never gave up, he always said God will cure this. He and his family were believers, I wasn't so sure. 

I started to question things, why would God do this to such a good person?  And with that thought, the devil got his foot hold on my heart. Things escalated quickly, more and more time in the hospital, less and less good things. And then the door was slammed shut in my face. My world as I knew it ceased, nothing would ever be the same again and now I was a widow with a 7 and 9 year old to raise alone. Once the funeral was over I wanted to make things seem as normal as possible for them. Which translated is denial for me. All the family and all the friends stopped coming, stopped calling, after all what do you say to a 29 year old widow? So it's easier to say nothing. I often wondered why this was happening to me. And everyone's favorite saying ~ "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger".  We you can take that one and shove it as far as I was concerned. It din't help one bit. 

So that was 1994, by 1998 I had moved (ie. ran away) with my children to South Florida. And we just kept doing each day that came. I still wondered why.  By 2010 I was pretty miserable, full of hate and bigotry, no patience for anyone, plagued with insomnia, chronic pain, stress and alone. Relationships came and went, I would get annoyed with them and then create problems just so I could justify ending things. My children both went to college and moved out on their own. By then I was pretty good at being the "fixer", I tried to fix everyone.  Yet no one got fixed "right". Not even me. Then the conversation with my dad, a relationship that seemed awesome until the truths came out, but he did get me to go to church that day and find God again. Ya know that feeling when you realize you are just tired, tired of being the fixture, tired of giving suggestions gingerly as to not hurt feelings, tired of the stress of not know what lies ahead?  Well that is where I was at the beginning of 2013. Done with the relationship, done with trying to fix everyone. I had a grandson that was turning one and I was missing out on things. 

"You should go to Haiti with us"

Seven words ~ probably spoken while thinking "she won't". I was the person who really didn't commit to anything, didn't go anywhere, in fact going to the grocery store was horrifying to me. Crowds of people, fear of being alone, no real friends. Yea, occasionally I was invited somewhere and went just so people didn't think I was the crazy lady with all the animals. The fact that I committed to go to Haiti with practical strangers was so far out of my box it was almost laughable. When I told my daughter I was going I could see the relief and joy spread through her, after all the conversations of me never doing anything I was doing something and I was going to do something big! 

Like I said before things started to fall into place, like pieces of a puzzle.  I already had those essential corner pieces; Church, God, Prayer, Courage. Now I needed to fill in other pieces, it wasn't a conscience thought that I had to this it, it was like a bunch of "ah ha" moments followed by "now that makes sense" My daughter came to church, she started asking me questions about "how long it took for me to go from where I was to where I am", she started to ask about prayer. I pray for her and her son everyday, and those prayers were being answered.

At one of the pre Haiti meetings someone said "Don't be surprised that the week leading up to us leaving is filled with bad things happening".  It is true, the closer you get to God, the bigger the banana peel the devil pulls out.  I think in that week I broke two glasses, got a nail in a tire, locked myself out of my house once, had a dog needing emergency vet care. But I did not falter, nor did I whine and say "why me".  I knew why, and I knew I was winning, and I knew God was right there with me. 

The day that  we were to leave Haiti we were all faced with a question "What does he want us to do here?"
As we approached the airport we saw a plane half on and half off the run way. As we got closer we all were like "ut oh". The airport was closed, there were thousands of people everywhere.  Jay and Seth went inside to find out what was going on.  A plane crashed the day before carrying peace keepers, no one was hurt, but the airport is closed until they can get the plane off the runway. Instantly I panicked. I was freaking out. You see there was no picking up a phone and calling home, we all went inside in order to use the wi-fi to get text messages out. I had only an iPad, no phone and I could not send a text. I went to Haiti on a long weekend and never told my bosses where I was going because I "knew" they would not be happy and they might make feel like I should not go. I was freaking out, but I knew there was nothing I could do, we had no idea how long we would be there, but I knew one thing, WE GET TO SEE THE KIDS AGAIN!!!

We went back to the house and just kind of hung out. Summer and I had to get back ASAP, we both were very upset. Seth called his wife and they started working on grabbing whatever flights we could get. The first of us left two days later and some followed each day until Saturday. Jay had to give the message that weekend, so we all decided to show our church what a mighty team we are, we sat up front.  But really it was non of us wanted it to end. We needed to be together, working hard, holding babies, sweating, playing cards, talking.  There was no TV, the electric only worked part of the time, so we bonded.  I have 17 new friends (and add their spouses) and when we all see each other it is awesome. We talk about future trips, we talk about God and his work through us, but sometimes we just are together and that is good.

So why do things happen to me that make me ask "why?' Well because God has a plan for me and sometimes I have to go through some pretty bad stuff before I can get to a puzzle piece. 

                    “Fear not, for you will not be ashamed; be not confounded, for you will not be disgraced; for you will forget the shame of your youth, and the reproach of your widowhood you will remember no more. For your Maker is your husband, the Lord of hosts is his name; and the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer, the God of the whole earth he is called.
                                                                                     Isaiah 54:4-5


For years I wondered why am I a widow?  Of all things to be titled, I didn't really like that name. When completing forms they always ask; single, divorced, widow. Why? Why do I need to tell you I am a widow why can't I just say single?  I didn't want people to look at me with pity, I am a strong, independent woman. I raised two kids by myself and neither ended up in jail.  In fact they both graduated college with degrees pertaining to Criminal Justice and Forensics. So please don't pity me and don't get all indignant when I refuse to ask for help. But if you could please tell me why this happened to me.

Awhile ago it no longer was a question in my heart as to why.  It was just ~ well ~ a good thing because God looks at widows with his special grace. So it doesn't matter why, it isn't what defines me, it just is. Yea I still hate that it happened to my family, but we are OK with it.


                             Sell your possessions and give to the poor. Provide purses for yourselves that will                                  not wear out, a treasure in heaven that will never fail, where no thief comes near and                              no moth destroys.

                                                                                            Luke 12:33

Do I really have to sell my stuff? All of it? No I don't think is what he wants from me, I could of course be wrong right now in this moment, but maybe in the future it will be the only thing that makes sense.  I think of myself as a pretty giving person, I would give whatever I could to help family or friends, donate to causes. I would love to be able to say "Yea I quit my job, sold my house and Jeep and I am moving to Haiti to work in an orphanage." But right now that is not realistic for me. So right now I do what I can, I think about my spending, I think about my habits. While in Haiti I realized what a wasteful person I am. They have no hot water, they really don't have drinking water flowing, they do not have power but for a few hours a day, they shop for food as they need it, they wash clothes my hand, they don't have a/c 24/7.  But these people make it with so little. I was a utility hog. My house was always cold, my cupboards always full, I ran the water while brushing my teeth, in fact I used to turn on the shower, go turn off the house alarm, let the dogs out, feed the chickens, come back in and then shower. Gallons of water wasted, when the people in Haiti have not one gallon of water sometimes. I have curbed my spending, my utility usage as well. I don't shop online like I am solely responsible for keeping the economy afloat. I turn lights off when I am not in the room. 

My personal opinion on thoughtless spending has changed drastically. No more Dunkin Donut coffee every morning, I use a refillable water bottle all day, I have a Brita jug for my water at work, I make my own laundry detergent and soap, I raise chickens for eggs, I do not order my lunch everyday anymore.  Just the coffee and the lunches Monday - Friday saves me over $4,500.00 a year.  OK, stop, sit down and read that again. OVER $4,500.00 a year. On laziness. Yup, I was to lazy to make my own coffee and really to lazy to pack my own lunch, after all I didn't cook dinner for just me so what would I have for left overs?  I have really no true idea on what that could do in Haiti but I imagine quite a bit. I know for about $3,000.00 you can put a well in, I know that for $2,500.00 you can provide a chicken coop and chickens so that a village can sell and eat the eggs and chickens. I heard once that for $2,500.00 you could buy a truck load of food.  I have had my every whim met for a long time, I really never go without. I remember while in Haiti one of the girls turned the shower on and then came out to get something and we all said "Did you really leave the water running?" Like it was a first degree felony! But for them, that could have meant the well ran dry, the food was not able to be cleaned and cooked.

Perspective ~ it is all really how God changes the way you see things. When God comes into your heart and the negative things start to leave your heart you start to realize "wow, if you would have told me this a year ago I would have had you locked up".  But now it is so true in your heart you cannot really remember why or how you were so filled with darkness. That is the power of God!

And I walked in

About a year and half ago I walked into a church, I wasn't alone, but I felt I was missing something. Wait, rewind about a year before that........... I had a conversation with my dad. Things didn't seem to be going right for me, my life was unhappy, my world was dark, my heart was filled with hate and anger.  My dad said "You need to go back to church". Yea OK, that is for sure the answer to all my woes. IT WAS.
Forward again........We walked from the the parking lot towards the church.  There was a little cart that said WELCOME on it and a very bubbly girl saying good morning. Right away I clenched, people being nice kinda freaks me out, well it used to. We were given little welcome bags and some papers and directed to the church.  We walked through the courtyard and then into the "lobby" of the church.  Everyone along the way smiled and said Good Morning. I could hear music, loud music, not your childhood church kind of music, but some mighty awesome music. I smiled.....inside, but I smiled. We walked to the front and sat in "my place". After a few minutes the music stopped (they were warming up) and two guys came off the stage right towards us.  I thought to myself "here we go".  What I should have thought was "Here I go". We were dressed in motorcycle gear and carrying helmets, that is what got their attention.  They looked younger then me and for all I knew they just played in the band. The one was tall, tall and built like my son, it made me smile (again inside) because he really does remind me of my son. The other, shorter, but filled with such energy and light. They introduced themselves ~ Jay and James. Then we talked about motorcycles for a bit and off they went. We sat quietly listening to music. Brendon Health was playing. How I remember this I have no idea. People starting to fill the church and then up on the screen popped a count down......5 minutes till lift off. I wish I could tell you which Pastor spoke that day, but I cannot, it all just blurred into one big fat huge smile.  Again inside for the most part, but I knew my dad was right and I knew this was my new church.  I also knew I would find all those answers I have been looking for, I knew I would lose all that hate and all that anger.  I knew this place was for me. 

I went almost every Sunday, could not wait for Sunday, I felt like a kid on Christmas Eve everyday. I started listening to Christian Contemporary music, I download a Bible app, I "liked" the church on Facebook. I wanted to plug in everywhere I could. I signed up for the clean up day at the church, I went to a women's group painting class, I joined the Women's Ministry, I met more and more people, I became friends with more and more people.  I also started to see how so many of my existing relationships were toxic. People I thought were my friends suddenly resented me, they tried to make me feel bad about going to church, they insulted me and my family, and those relationships ended.  I didn't need them, I had God.  I had new friends, people that I could talk to, to learn from, to share, to pray with. Prayer had always been somewhat of a mystery to me, I didn't get it, I didn't really do it, except in those "Hail Mary" situations, where I attempted an ill fated bargain, that never ever worked out. I listened to them praying, and thought "they are just talking to God, there is no secret handshake, you just talk. 

Every week that went by I learned more and more about all those people that go to Calvary Chapel Sawgrass.  Pieces were falling into place. Well some pieces were falling into place and some pieces were completely decimated. The relationship I was in was falling apart, I spoke to one of the Pastors at church, he and his wife prayed for and with me. That I have to say is one of the best feelings. I asked Jay questions, yea, Jay is one of the Pastors at church, that big guy I met on day one, a pastor. In fact he is the Youth Pastor, he sings, he plays piano, he leads the youth and he rides a motorcycle.  Again so not that childhood church thing happening. But I like it!!! 

One day I was talking to Jay and he said "You should go to Haiti with us on a mission trip".  I said OK, just like that, no thinking, no asking questions, nothing. I felt great about this idea, not a worry to be felt. I met the team we were going with, I really only knew Jay and Princess and Seth and James before the trip, everyone else I had no idea who they were. 

For a few weeks before the Haiti trip I prayed and prayed, talked to God. I woke up one morning with one word on my heart and on my mind ~ "Orphans".  At first I thought it was because I have been thinking so much about the trip to Haiti. Researching the area and history, asking people questions, planning. I woke up every morning and spent everyday thinking about Orphans. It wasn't like I heard the voice of God, it was just more of a thought, sometimes passing, sometimes it stayed with me. 

Mother's Day 2013 ~ My daughter went to church with me, I had been kinda trying to get her there without her knowing I was trying to get her to go to church. I am sure she saw this coming a mile away.  I had been taking my grandson, her son, to church with me when I had him overnight. At first she wouldn't let me take him, then she gave up a little and I could take him. It was perfect, he loves the music, my friends loved him, he napped during the message and woke again for the music. He didn't bother anyone and he was hearing what was being said regardless of if he "got it". Then he got older and the nap during the message was not happening so off to the nursery we went. Again he loved it and the ladies loved him. Then she came along, I told her it would mean so much if she came for Mother's day. Kathy gave the message ~ the Senior Pastor's wife, also my group leader for Women's Ministry, also someone I can talk to and know there will be no judgement and only honesty.  She made an announcement about the staggering number of children in Foster Care in Broward County. There was a family there that fosters and we could speak to them after service if we were interested. I could not get there fast enough. I went online and sent my info to start the process right away. 

Was this why I had Orphans on my mind? Was it Haiti? Was it just my imagination? 

May 2013 I went to Haiti with seventeen (17) other people, some younger then me, some older, men and women, all of us mixed together made a team that is mighty. I will admit I had some concerns about going to Haiti.  The language barrier for one, but we had a translator that would be with us all the time and Princess (Jay's wife) spoke the language fluently. Money, do I need to take some? Do I have to convert it? What is the rate of exchange? Safety was also a concern. At our team meetings they told us to not give anyone our luggage to carry, do not give anyone money or we will get overwhelmed. Do not wonder off, stick with the team.  

At the airport we all got through security and into our gate area, little groups formed, I didn't really know anyone so I sat down and hoped they would sit with me. Kelsey and Chopper sat down, I knew nothing about either except I knew Chopper is a good friend of Jay's. We played games on Kelsey's iPad, Bible games, guessing games, we talked, we walked around, we got something to eat, and we took pictures. Then it was time to board the plane, we kinda sat in two groups, the cool kids in the front, the not so cool kids in the back.  I was in the back. But it was AWESOME! I was going to Haiti! If you would have told me I would be going to Haiti two years ago I would have sworn you were insane. 

Once we landed in Port Au Prince and got off the plane and through customs and all together again I was slightly panicked. There were a few moments when it was just me and getting where I needed to go.  But it worked out.  We all walked outside into a bright, hot, crowded world. I wanted to see it all but needed to keep holding onto someone's backpack. I felt like a kid in a huge crowd of adults. Then we arrived at our special order transportation.....The Short Bus! Per the request of Jay! We all got on and headed out, we were introduced to our driver, and the others that were there.  

There is really no way to describe Port Au Prince that would guarantee the person you are describing it to would understand. So many people, so many vehicles, no real traffic rules, rubble, garbage, men, women and children everywhere. I just kind of sat there and looked out the window and was in awe. We all were taking pictures, we were saying look over here, look over there. A good portion of the group had been there before, so they knew.  I didn't know, you see pictures, you watch the news, but you really do not get it until you are right in the middle of it. Port Au Prince Haiti is amazing yet depressing, full of life and full of death, colorful yet bleak. A well oiled machine but completely Chaotic at the same time.  

I am writing this about two months post Haiti, I want to remember these events because I am pretty sure someone else will find Jesus Christ by reading my story. But right now I am 48 and looking forward, but I also look backwards and try and figure out why things happened. In another post perhaps........

While in Haiti we helped to bring an orphanage back from the destruction of the Earthquake in 2010. This Orphanage has a special place in many of the hearts of the mission team and others at our church. You see there are two young, beautiful young ladies that used to call it their home. This orphanage is where Jay and Princess found their future, their family, their daughters. Things move slow in Haiti and adoption is no different, paperwork, approvals, and clearances bog down an already overwhelmed system. As I type this we all continue to pray that their girls will come home soon. I met these two girls after hearing so much about them and seeing pictures, it was almost my biggest anticipation of the trip. Who are these mystery girls that have captured the hearts of everyone at our church? When we stepped off the bus to say hello to them it was at a different orphanage then the one needing repair, you see they were moved three weeks prior to a place that would allow the adoption to proceed, there were accreditation issues before which completely stopped the process. We all gathered and spoke to a man that informed us the girls are in school, just up the road, yes, you can walk up there.  So off they went to get the girls. After a short time they were back, we were hot and thirsty, but when those girls saw their mom and some of the other team members they had met before it all disappeared. I had seen so many pictures of them I would have recognized them anywhere. I said hello and got a kiss from each and it was like they were immediately family. Their smiles, their hugs, their laughter, it was all magical.  Some of us kept moving so we could look at them better.  Well maybe it was just me. I felt like just looking at them and watching them and  listening to them would automatically unlock a secret door to a secret world that I wanted to badly.  I knew right then why.

We all got back on the bus, except Princess, she was going to stay there with her daughters. We went to the mission house where would would be staying during our trip. We all got out and met the staff and stretched and went to our rooms. All the girls were in one room (with a/c!) and the guys divided up into three (3) other rooms. We met back downstairs loaded the bus with supplies and it was off to the Diakonos to start working.  Our drive was long, and we went through some pretty bad areas.  We saw tents, shacks, we saw garbage and rubble, sometimes the smell was so bad we would put our shirt over our noses. The drive took a long time, there are a lot of vehicles there and no real rules of the road, you just keep going until you can't go any more.  When we arrived and the gate was opened we drove in, and there in front of the building were children, small, tall young, older, all of them had the same expression. A BIG HUGE SMILE! They were happy we came, they knew that we had candy, they knew we had clothes and shoes, they knew they would get hugs and kisses and carried around. After our welcome the men all dispatched into their jobs and the ladies kinda drifted to the kids. I have a picture on my desktop at work of all of us, the team, the kids, the people that take care of them.  I find myself staring at it so much.  A happy group, a productive group, a group full of love. 

I painted the outside of the building with some of the other team members, while some painted inside. I kept finding myself back out front holding a child, or going to the bus and getting more lollipops, or ring pops.  My daughter gave me some sunglasses for them, I gave those to some of the older kids and also some t-shirts. Then I would go back and paint, and then end up out front once again. I got my iPad out and they were playing a drawing game and I played some music.  They love technology, they wanted pictures taken of themselves and then to look at the screen to see the picture. I painted, I held small children, I kissed a lot of kids that day and hugged even more. I never really considered myself a "kid" person, I have two children, I have nephews, I have friends with little kids, and older kids, in fact I have a grandson that is 16 months as of this date. Prior to Kayden being born I could take or leave kids. Tolerated them to a point, one thing I could do was find endless flaws in the way their parents were raising them.  Too this, not enough that, that one is gonna end up in jail, that one will get his butt kicked in middle school, that one, well that one just bless his little soul, he has no hope. JUDGEMENT, it was my main game. Especially when it came to kids. In fact the very way I use the words kid vs child or child vs kid. I use child as a endearing term and kid as in well whatever! 
But sitting with these orphans, the children that have no parents, no family, or were just unwanted broke my cold little heart. I mean how can anyone look at these faces and not want to have them in their lives. Yes, some lost their parents in the Earthquake and there was no one that could take them or wanted them, but there were also some that were there because their moms just could not take care of them because there were so many other kids she was trying to feed.

All a child wants is to know is that they are loved and they matter and someone does indeed care.  I have come to realize how these orphanages work, it isn't that they sit there all year until we come once a year to visit, help and feed them.  Groups go there often.  They get this "someone loves me" and then it is followed by "and they are gone". Over and Over and Over. This is heartbreaking, they deserve so much more, but it isn't possible for one church mission group to solve all the problems at any one Orphanage. This is a global problem that requires many many people to open their hearts and their homes to these children. Haiti, Russia, Africa, China, and so many more under developed, impoverished countries. So this is my question to myself..................

What can I do? 

While I was in Haiti we went to a village in Canez, to describe it would be easy and yet impossible. They live in little huts made out of sticks and mud. Did you hear me sticks and mud?  There are people in this world that live in huts. They have no drinkable water unless they hike out.  Now don't get me wrong they are not living in the middle of a bleak desert, yea it is down a mountain/hillside, there is just two ruts for vehicles, there are few trees.  But at the bottom of this is a beautiful body of water, back dropped by mountains.  It is quite lovely. On the waters edge are boats that the villagers use to net fish. The lake however is brackish water, not drinkable, not really usable.  When we got out of the buses all around us were people that call this village their home. Babies, toddlers, children, teens, adults.  I squealed with delight, this was it! This was why God wanted me in Haiti.  This was the moment that would change how I think, feel, do, spend, react, respond, pray, how I do everything.  I knew at that moment when Chopper handed me the bag of lollipops my life would never be the same again. I dumped the lollipops in my shirt and held it up and started handing them out. I was in the middle of a 10 people deep on all sides, little brown arms reaching and grabbing. Of course I have to try and maintain calm and order otherwise I will have a melt down. Guess what - it was awesome, I didn't care that some got 10 and some only got one, I didn't care if the adults started to push the little ones out of their way.  OK, I did care about that and I told them "babies, let me give to the babies", "Calm down I have enough".  Honestly I didn't think we had enough we had given some out and the bag was not even half full.  But I kept reaching into my shirt and finding more to give out.  And that is the power of GOD! At one point the older ones started patting themselves on the chest and saying "baby".  They caught on quick! As I was handing them out I hear "What is your name?" I was shocked still. I turned and I looked in the eyes of this young woman wearing a pretty blue shirt and said "you speak English?" "Yes, some" she said. I hugged her and told her my name and told her I was so happy to be visiting her today.

We later learned the stats of this village ~ 279 children and about 60 adults. Needless to say there were a lot of naked little kids to hold and hug and kiss. OK, they were not all naked, but OH MY GOSH! I fell in love with everyone of them. There were newborn babies and they told us how they deliver babies there. There were toddlers that didn't say much. They all wanted to have their pictures taken, and they all wanted to be carried and hugged. The men of the team organized and handed out Manna packs and vitamins to the family leaders.  They have a census of sorts to keep things in order. The women held babies, took walks, played, took pictures, talked to them. We asked names, we told them our names.  everyone wanted our sunglasses and hats, except for poor Jon, he had a Miami Marlins hat that was actually refused by the intended recipient. We laughed about that for hours. They did however take his sunglasses without pause. At one point I was walking around holding three little children, all of them clinging onto me. I met the mothers, and the grandmothers, I told them their children are beautiful and God loves them. I sang little songs to them. I could have stayed there so much longer but we had to leave and be back before dark. I got into our van and just looked out at them, would I ever see them again? Will they remember us? Will they be OK? then it happened. Miss Gay sat beside me and touched my shoulder and softly said "are you OK?" I had no words that made any sense, all I had was tears, I cried half the way back to the mission house. Everyone was quiet, it was heartbreaking to see that, but worse is to see that and not find a place in your heart for all of them.  

Then you start asking questions......to yourself and to God........ Are they happy, do they realize what they do not have, would they change any of it for something different? So many questions. Since our return Seth's company has paid for and arranged for a well to be built there for them. GO Seth!

There is so much more from our trip that I will touch on later but I am trying to get to a current place so I can start daily journal entries to track my journey.

Since I have been back I have started the process to be a foster parent.  It isn't as easy as just signing up, there is a lot of paperwork, a ten (10) week course you MUST complete, finger prints, background checks, financial checks. And you know what I realized, it IS easier to just not, to just stay in your comfortable bubble you call your life and "hope" it turns out good for everyone.  But that is not realistic, whatsoever. If God would have not placed his blessing onto The Fatherless, The Widows, The Poor then non of us would have.  He showed us love, therefore we can love.  God wants us to all help those that need help. The widow working two jobs while raising three children, the little girl that has no parents because Daddy got mad at Mommy and she went to Heaven and Daddy had to go away, The guy you see every time you go for gas, sitting on the side staring into space.  As Christians we have the power to know what God wants for us, he gave us the manual, he gave us the tools, all we have to do is apply it. Giving someone help is such a joy.  I know people that have said, I am not going to insult them by giving them money or clothes. Would it be an insult to provide a few minutes of your day to make someone else smile and know that God loves them?  No.  I have myself thought "I am not giving this guy any money, clearly he will just buy beer with it", in fact some of them here in South Florida hold signs that say "Why lie, I need a beer".  Well yea it is a conflict in your heart, will this five bucks just go for beer? Maybe, maybe not.  But what I say to them is here is five bucks, get yourself a healthy meal and God loves you and I will pray for you." Two years ago, no way, no how, not ever would I have done that.  But God opened my eyes so that I see everyone as he sees them.  Everyone is my brother or sister in Christ. Yea some people annoy me still, some people scare me, some people flat out piss me off, but I don't allow those feelings to grow in my heart.  I ask God to take them and return to me what He wants for me.  

So I have these things going on ~ Foster Parent process, helping the poor, and I am starting the process to adopt one of the young girls I met in Haiti. Three things, right? No, it is never just three things. Not by a long shot.

I just completed my fourth (4th) week of the MAPP classes that are required to become a Foster Parent. Thus far I have completed every possible application for my personal household situation, I had my first home visit to sign more papers and to go over what is expected in regards to the home inspection, I have had my finger prints taken, I am reading books that 4Kids have suggested to read. I have bought fire extinguishers, outlet covers, cabinet locks, first aid kit, pool rescue float. I have provide copies of pet rabies shots, I have done homework assignments. But one of the most startling things I have done was to realize the enormity of the foster child population in Broward County. Right here in my county there are kids that are not able to live in their homes for many different reasons. Children of all ages, children that are put to the disadvantage as soon as they have to leave their homes. In the classes I am seeing how things must seem to a child, how to step into their shoes in order to best help them once they arrive to my home. Last night we did a guided imagery exercise. Erin told us to close our eyes and she was going to tell us a story. I am not sure how one story can invoke so many emotions and make me realize that everything I do, everything I say to a child that is placed in my home will have a forever impact.  I pray daily that God will help me with my words and my actions, so that one day when that little child is an adult they can think "Betsy was a great part of my life".

I pray that God gives me the knowledge, understanding, love and courage in order to help these children. When I tell people that I am getting licensed to Foster children almost right away they say "how will you be able to give them back?" Well this is a huge concern for me, but I trust God enough to get me through it, I am also realistic enough to know going into this that it isn't all puppies, butterflies and cute babies. But God loves me enough to get me from a test to a testimony.