How can you ____________?

There are a million ways to finish the question "How can you____________?"  The question I get is

 "How can you foster a child knowing he/she will go back?" 

My answer?

Well I don't really have a good standard answer.

This question and many like it are really unanswerable. What we are supposed to say and what is in our heart are two different things.  I get why people ask the questions, I really do.  Human nature requires us to ask those "train wreck" questions, people are inherently curious about things that they deem "strange, crazy or way out there". Although most people should really consider engaging their natural filters, they do not.  I get that too.  I used to travel through life unfiltered, although I often held my tongue to the person, I would however, say my thoughts loud and clear to anyone close enough to listen. We all see those people in public that we instantly think "did they even look in the mirror before they left home?".  We all see couples or groups of people that don't fit into the little box that society deems acceptable and we wonder what the story is.  After all without those people the trip to Wal-Mart or any public place would not be as fun, right?

Those people are God's children too. Have you ever stopped and thought that? Instincts are strong, those thoughts are in my brain before I realize it and then as soon as I do realize I am being judgmental, I ask for forgiveness and help with my error. That person that cuts you off on the highway, it happens without warning and your thoughts of anger flash so fast you think that you will never control that. That person in the store that appears to think they are the only ones on Earth and butt in front of you after you have been waiting in line, I have actually stopped what I was doing after fuming about those situations and asked the person if they need a lesson in common courtesy. Which by the way, only inflames their innate ability to be a jerk. The person who deems themselves worthy of handicap parking only because they are so lazy that walking one more parking space would ruin their day. It happens, people are people, they have been like this since the beginning.  Adam and Eve thought eating the apple was OK, who would know after all? Well, HE knew!  God knew people were bad when he and Noah had a little meeting.  He had Noah and his children build an Arc so that when he flooded the Earth to cleanse it they could repopulate the Earth.  Yet, it's still a hot mess. People are still mean, still angry, still sinful, people are after all people.  Always have been and always will be this way.  

People are people and curious by nature. I am torn between feeling annoyed by people's comments towards me and my family and being completely amused by people's complete inability to have couth. I get funny looks, I see people talking about me and my little ones, I overhear comments.  At first I was offended. After all who gave them the right to talk trash about me and my little ones? Then I started thinking "I would think the same way" Old white lady with little "not" white babies - the nerve!!! Is it right? NOPE, not at all. But people are people and they will think what they think, and I cannot change that. So now, I smile and field the questions. I try to answer them with humor, yea it is often sarcastic humor, but maybe they will take pause later and think about their questions, my answers and the reality of the world today.  I am often told I should write a book, because some stuff is just to funny to be real.  Honestly I cannot make some of it up, it's just that funny.

And my disclaimer ~ I am not now, nor will I be anytime soon ~ OLD.

I can carry two babies, two book bags and push a stroller all at one time. OLD cannot do that. I can squat down and pick up two babies AND stand back up without the assistance of anything. OLD cannot do that. I have the ability to fold laundry seven days a week, feed two babies at the same time without dropping even one piece of rice.  But more importantly I have the ability to love unconditionally two babies that are not mine, two babies that will probably leave me one day, two babies that I will pray for everyday until I die, two babies that I will cry for both silently and out loud every day until I die.  I can teach these two babies about the love of Jesus Christ our Savior. I can teach them to say doggy, cat and their current favorite phrase
 "Ut -Oh". I can hold them and rock them while I pray over them and honestly feel complete love for them.

Some questions I have actually been asked by complete strangers.............

How do you take a child into your home when you know they will leave?
    Because God has put it on my heart, he has blessed me with the gift to do so.

How can you love them when they are not yours?
     Because God loves ALL of his children, not the just ones he picks and chooses.

Are they yours? (This is a common "fishing" question, people fish for details) (I use it as an opportunity to share the huge need for foster parents and foster homes)
      "Why yes, they are mine, right now, they are mine.  I am their Foster Mom, aren't they the cutest little girls EEEEEEEEVVVERRRRRR?" 
This often leads me back to questions #1 and #2 above, it's a vicious cycle!!

Do you get paid to keep them?
     "Do you get paid to "keep" your kids? 

Are they twins?
      "Nope, not even related"

Where are their parents?
      "Where are your parents?"

I have thought about hooking up a "GO PRO" camera and video tape people's looks that they give me when I am out shopping.  I bet I could have my own reality show. "FACES PEOPLE MAKE".  I would have it narrated by Cookie Monster. I would have guest hosts like Buzz Lightyear, Woody, The Count, Nemo, Shrek, Elmo.......so many options.  And in this show it would end with a video of my babies waking up every morning with smiles on their faces and singing a little song they made up and dancing until I get them up and kiss them all over their cute little faces and get them changed and dressed for their day, I would show how even though they are not mine they come up to me and hug my leg while I am changing the other one. How when I tickle one the other one laughs hysterically even though they are not related.  How when one little girl is crying the other one will reach her hand out and pat her gently on the back even though they do not belong to each other.  How they hold hands when they sit on my lap for story time, even though they might leave me.

So yes, I will take boogies, tears, tantrums and pink eye, dimples, smiles, giggles, hugs, and snuggles every day from a child that is not mine over being cynical, angry, mean and bigoted every day, all day, every year, all year!!


So let me ask you a question.

How can you NOT love or care for God's children?

People make assumptions in order to make themselves feel better about their own situations, I know this because I used to do the same thing. Pot stirring, trash talking and wishing bad on others were my main skill set.  Then God blessed me with grace.

According to Merriam - Webster GRACE is...............

¹grace

 noun \ˈgrās\

: a way of moving that is smooth and attractive and that is not stiff or awkward

: a controlled, polite, and pleasant way of behaving

graces : skills that are needed for behaving in a polite way in social situations.

Read that last one again.......... Skills that are needed for behaving in a polite way in social situations.

Pray Boldly

One Sunday awhile back the message at church was to PRAY BOLDLY. To me that is kind of like "Go big or go home".  I love that saying, yea it is cocky on some levels, but on most levels it is "if you are going to do something worth while, then do it right".
I have always thought that, have I always lived that? NO, I have not. Do I try to live that way now? YES, indeed. I am a sinner, but God loves me anyway, and he sent his son to die on the cross for my sins. Now, I want to do right by that.

In Acts 28:31 it says;
"Proclaiming the kingdom of God and teaching about the Lord Jesus Christ with all boldness and without hindrance."

I often find it difficult to share with people my faith. Am I embarrassed? No, I am not embarrassed at all. Am I fearful of their reaction or comment? Yea, sometimes. Am I able to walk up to a stranger and share with them Jesus Christ? Maybe. Am I more bold today sharing God than I was last year, or the year before? INDEED I am!!!! Does this constitute being bold for God? Sharing your story?  Yes, I think it does, but it is not limited to just that. Praying to God boldly is another way of being bold for God.

Praying is sometimes a challenge for me, what do I say, when do I say it, how long should I pray? All very good questions and I would imagine a lot of people have those and other questions.  I am a silent prayer type of girl, and often I am distracted and go off in my mind on other things.  But, I always come back to it eventually. But eventually is not good enough for me.

Have you ever thought or said "If you really are there God show me"? I was raised in a Lutheran church, I did Sunday School and my first communion, I was an acolyte, I was in the youth group, I learned fundamentals there, but I didn't "get it". When I married we went to his church, a Methodist church, basically the same, but not as "fancy". We dedicated our children to God, they went to VBS and when my husband was ill we went every Sunday, he honestly from his heart believed that he would be OK, his faith gave him that assurance. "OK" though is a relative thing.  We never talked about what his OK meant versus what my OK meant. My OK was his survival. When my husband passed away in 1994 I turned my back on God, I didn't understand why the father of my children had to die, what kind of God is he to allow such a horrible thing?  I went into survival mode, I was now a widow raising two children ages nine and seven alone. During his illness, everyone was there to help, make meals, take him to appointments, take him to events, when he died everyone disappeared. After all, what does one say to a 29 year old widow? Worst yet is, what does a 29 year old widow say to her children and herself about "why"?

It never occurred to me to turn to God for his guidance. In fact I turned further and further away, my choices were bad, my actions were worse and my children suffered from my isolation. No, they were not neglected or abused, but I wasn't always "there" for them mentally. I look back now and regret is the word of choice.  But I know now to ask God to take that regret from me, so that I can heal.  I tried different churches when we moved to Florida.  They seemed to all be the same, how much money can you give us? Not even a hello or welcome.  Religion is big business.  Faith though is free.

My children are both adults now, and I am now an adult in my faith. I found my church home, no I did not miss type  - it is not my "home" church, it IS my church HOME.  I feel as good there as I do in my home. I have so many friends that I can call family now, and thankfully, my daughter does too. These men and women have helped to open my eyes and my heart to Jesus Christ our savior. PRAY BOLDLY  said one of them. That is all it takes sometimes, just one person to help open that heavy door of your heart, just one person to smile and greet you. The door to my heart was so heavy, and had like 17 deadbolt locks on it. My life reflected that in every way from 1994 until 2012.  That is 18 years of my life without me actively seeking God, without prayer, without faith. That makes me stop and pause............. that makes me cry for myself and my children.

I am thankful everyday that it is not that way anymore. So back to praying boldly. I have personally witnessed two amazing women pray boldly. While we were in Haiti one of our guys hurt his back and they decided to lay hands on him.  I was thinking "what in the world?" I have never seen this, never really heard of it.  But I didn't want to be the one weirdo that didn't participate. We literally laid our hands on him, some sat, some stood, some were on their knees and one of the women started praying.  It was by the far the most intense, boldest and amazing prayers I have every heard, and it was long too, focused and bold, did I say bold?  I was so amazed, I kept thinking what the heck? Then at one point I stopped thinking about it and started thinking about the man we were laying hands on. I didn't know who was were in the mass of people, but I know now that one woman was behind me and her hand was on my shoulder.  The shoulder that I have chronic spasms in.  At one point I thought I was on fire, the heat was so intense, but not painful at all. I started to think, OK, God this is freaking me out, but I kinda like it!!! I think at one point another one of the women started praying, it seemed to go on for a long time but wasn't like "OK, let's wrap this up". After we finished most of us were crying, I don't remember making much eye contact, this was my first experience with this power and I was freaked out a bit.  Eye contact equals vulnerability and I must avoid that! (Not anymore though) I later found out that they prayed over him again later, I don't even know where I was then, but I was told it WAS EVEN MORE AWESOME. I was probably in a fetal position thinking only of myself.

Since then I have actively sought out one of the women to pray over foster children I have had in my care that really really needed GOD to flood them with His grace.  I have asked her to pray for me when I was full of fear over bad situations in my life. She has "the stuff" and I want to learn that power.  

Psalms 138:3 says;
"On the day I called, you answered me; my strength of soul you increased."

Can it really be that simple? Are you able to let go of your pride, your control and your thinking to allow our Savior to enter your life and actually help you and not expect anything in return?

John 14:14
"If you ask me anything in my name, I will do it."

I always thought that being in control of myself and my world was my job and it caused an inner turmoil that I never recognized as turmoil. I just kept thinking, I need to do better, I need to tweak this or change that. God is in control, if you just ask Him, things work.  How amazing is that?

Sunday night when I was trying to put my foster girls to bed they cried and they screamed, they would not calm down, I got them both out of their cribs and I rocked them and sang nursery rhymes. Eventually they fell asleep, probably because they could not stand my singing, but nonetheless they slept.  Last night when it was bed time I went right to the recliner to rock them and I sang one song and mid way through it God said "pray". It was one of those thoughts that makes you miss a beat, stop and pause and think, "whoa where did that come from?" And then you think "why didn't I think of that?"

So I prayed out loud and bold. I prayed over these two beautiful little girls, I asked God to please fill them with calm and peace and let them sleep and not cry. I felt so bold asking that, I even felt selfish for asking that. I want these girls to have the peace of God in them, even though at their ages they do not understand. I also prayed that God would help me get up out of the recliner while holding two babies and not need to put one down to get up.  That one was super bold!!! I rocked a little harder gaining momentum and up we all went.  Like a gymnast nailing her dismount!  I put them both in their cribs and sang another song, one fussed a bit and I sang Amazing Grace and Hush little baby. I walked out, closed the door................quiet......utter silence.

I threw both my arms up and pointed to the sky and said "YOU ROCK GOD!!!!!!!!!"  I was filled with awe. Seriously all we have to do is ask.  Now, don't get me wrong, it won't happen like that every time.  Sometimes he wants us to wait, to be humbled, to learn a lesson.  Maybe the girls were just really tired from daycare all day. Maybe with full bellies they had no control over sleep. OR......maybe......it was just GOD doing what GOD does best!

PRAY BOLD.....go ahead............do it

Comfort zone

When I was younger I don't think I heard the phrase "comfort zone".  I think it is a relativity new phrase. Another synonym we have added to our ever evolving life dictionary.  The dictionary of my life is the Bible. It is meant to be our handbook for life, not something that sits on a shelf never to be read.  When I was little I don't remember a Bible on the book shelf.  I received Bibles, when I started communion, when I joined the Church, when my Gramma passed away I was given her Bible, I have purchased Bibles for myself with good intentions of reading the Bible at least once in my life time, but I have never made it much past the first few books. Why? Because reading the Bible is out of my reading comfort zone. 

There are many places in the Bible about "Comfort Zones", or more precisely "Stepping out of your Comfort Zone". I have had inner struggles with my comfort zone recently. I have been asked to take another foster child. The little girl I have now is a dream baby, easy peasy, not a trouble to be found. Taking another child would mean stepping out of my zone and possibly taking a child that is "hard". The Bible says;

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go."  Joshua 1:9 ESV 

So why am I so hesitant to the challenge of a new foster child? Because I am selfish. Because I am a coward. If God didn't want me to be challenged He would have never put on my heart to foster children.

 In John 15:16  ESV the Bible says ~ "You did not choose me, I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit and that your fruit should abide, so that whatever you ask the Father in my name, he may give it to you."

 Right there in black and white ~ He chose me. I need to honor Him. 

I have conversations in my own head about what to do, what not to do. I like to think those conversations are with God, like bouncing ideas off another so that things make sense or appear clearer when said out loud. If He doesn't want me to grow in my Faith and my walk then I have nothing to offer myself or anyone else. But indeed, He wants me to grow, he wants me to do His work, he wants me to help open eyes and open ears to His almighty love and plan for all of us.

 "Be the doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves" James 1:22 ESV

Yea, it is easy to sit back and let life happen all around you, to gripe and complain about this and that, but at the end of the day what does that get you?  There are people who live for adventure and travel the world, there are people that love excitement and jump out of airplanes, there are people who are moved to help others and sell everything they have and move to a third world country and become missionaries. I love the idea of all of those things, I really do, but is it practical for my current season? No, not currently. So what can I bring to the party? What has God blessed me with? What gifts has He given me that I am to share? 

"For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control"

2 Timothy 1:7 ESV

Fear can cripple a person, fear is a dark deceitful place to be, fear is the enemy trying to consume you, fear is an angry ugly position to find yourself dwelling in. Fear will take you a little bit at a time and eventually will control everything you are. Fear creates hatred for what is unknown, fear creates a dividing line between groups of people, fear will take over your sleep, it will take over your heart, it will take over your emotions and turn you into a dependent, useless, agonized person.    

Fear used to run my life. I was afraid of things that were not in my "comfort zone", I was afraid of loving and losing again, I was afraid of what was outside my door, but mostly I was afraid of living. On the surface merely living seems pretty easy, but once you open your heart to God living takes on a whole new meaning. 

John 14:6 ESV ~ Jesus said to him, "I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me."

I don't dread waking up in the morning and going to work anymore, because He leads the way, I don't have to control it anymore. Giving God "back" what I thought I controlled wasn't easy but it was essential. However, one cannot give back what one never owned. People try to control everything in their lives, money, appearance, happiness, friends, jobs, others emotions the list can go on and on.  But really God owns everything, he just let's us manage it for him temporarily. My house, my clothes, my car, my job, my money, my children, all of it, everything I title as "mine" is really His. When I manage those things the way He wants me to, then I will be rewarded.  If I manage those things the way "I" think is best, I hit a brick wall, I often say "why me" "why are these crappy things happening to me", "why is this so hard?", "what did I do to deserve this?"

Psalms 24:1 ESV ~ A Psalm of David, The earth is the Lord's and the fullness thereof, the world and those who dwell therein,

Matthew 6:24 ESV

"No one can serve two masters. For either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other.  You cannot serve God and money."

Godly things or Earthly things? We are a civilization of "things". We should be a civilization of "Godly things". We are lead from an early age to value "things". MY toys, MY room, MY friends. But we should teach "MY GOD". I have stepped out of my little box and into the arms of Jesus Christ my savior. Everything is not honky dory, nor do I expect it ever to be.  But each day He guides me on my path.  Each day he puts something in front of me for reflection. I ask Him for His guidance, I pray I make the right choices, but I am human and God knows I will make mistakes and choose wrong.  But He loves me so much He forgives my sins over and over, time and time again. 

He knows our path way before we were born.....

Jeremiah 1:5 ESV "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, and before you were born I consecrated you; I appointed you a prophet to the nations". 

He never intended us to have a comfort zone, it isn't really anything that is physical or tangible, and yet we go through our lives trying to manage what isn't ours to begin with. 

I challenge you to step out of your comfort zone and into God's grace. Erase that line you drew in the sand, say goodbye to those toxic people in your life. Open the door and welcome into your life a new person, someone that needs to meet God.  We are all broken, we all have baggage, why would you turn your back on a child of God just because they look different, talk different or may be a challenge to you and your family? Dust off your Bible and let it fall open and read what God has to say. Find a church and walk in with no expectations, introduce yourself to a new person and allow God's grace to flood into you. Fall onto your knees and ask God to forgive you for your sins, invite him into your heart and your life. Step out of your comfort zone, volunteer some time, some money.  Go on a mission trip, make a difference in someone's life. Pack a bagged lunch and give it to a person who needs a meal. Smile and say hello to someone on the street. Allow that person who seems to be in a hurry to get in front of you on the highway, say a prayer for them that their day gets better. Love your neighbor, even if they annoy you daily, say a prayer that God graces their lives today. Hold open the door for a mom with her arms full and kids crying. Give grace to someone who is openly angry and mean. Make eye contact, smile, say thank you. Tip your waiter or waitress appropriately, turn off your cell phone and get on the floor with your kids, make a sheet fort and play with your children. Teach a child about God, teach a teenager about God, teach and adult about God.

Leave your comfort zone behind.................God has a better plan for you.

I am a CHANCE

I am a foster mom......................

Chances are you don't know me, chances are you don't know a foster child, chances are your thoughts on children in foster care do not amount to much. Chances..........one word but so many different ways to look at it.

If you had a good CHANCE to win a million dollars, would you try?
If you had a good CHANCE of getting cancer, would you try to not?
If you had a good CHANCE of going to college, would you go?
If you had a good CHANCE at a really good job, would you apply?

If a child had a good CHANCE at a life that wasn't abusive, or neglectful, or destructive, would you try to help?

Every child in foster care wants so many things, they want normalcy, they want to be loved, they want to not be hungry, they want to not be hurt, they want clean clothes, they want an education..........they want a CHANCE.

Until last year I never gave foster kids a second thought, I never gave the children in Haiti a second thought, I never gave God a second thought.  And all the while God was trying to get my attention.  He was throwing things at me to make me stop and ask Him for His help. Destructive relationships, Hate filled thoughts, Anger, Resentment, Hypocrisy and Negativity. Every day I was bombarded with negative things happening to me. Every day God was saying "Hello, I am here, turn to me, lay it at my feet and I will redeem you." But I didn't hear his knock, I was to busy listening to my own self pity screaming at me from every possible angle.

I had starting going to church mid way though 2012, my dad told me I needed to go back to church. Frankly, I didn't think that was the answer to my problems. My problems were the only problems in the world, well MY world. Now I know my problems are not even a piece of sand in the scope of the world's problems. I really had no true friends, and the one person I thought was my friend was killing my spirit one minute at a time, while claiming to love me like no other. While robbing me of money, trust, love, security and hope. Crazy thing, he is the one that got me to walk into Calvary Chapel Sawgrass in August 2012. For that one thing I am thankful to him, for all the rest I have forgiven him 7 times 70 times.

There was a guy there, his name is "Jay" his real name is Jonathan, I am not changing his name for he deserves every tear of joy and every hand shake and every possible fist bump available.  Most of us call him Jay, Pastor Jay, I met him day one at church.  I shook his hand hoping he would not notice my sweaty palms from fear of going into a church, fear of another failure.  I hoped he would not hear the tremble in my voice as I meekly answered his questions. I hoped I would not crumble into a crying heap of woman and bare all of my problems to him because I needed to tell someone. I didn't know he was a pastor, I thought he was just this big dude that played piano and sang in the "choir".  It's called a worship team, I learned, and for a long time they were the best part of going to church. Every time we went he said hello, we developed a friendship.

My relationship was failing at an alarming rate, I tried to be strong, I tried not to cry, I didn't want others to pity me. I still went to church, alone, but I went.  I started making friends, female friends, I joined the Women's Ministry in order to make female friends, I was giving myself a CHANCE.  I was praying, I was listening to God, I was listening to people at church talk and share their testimonies. I was realizing that God is my ONLY chance. No one else, not even myself can help.  The I listened to an invitation, well of sorts.
"You should come to Haiti with us." Jay said it, kind of as we walked past each other.  I paused, just long enough to think, "wait, what?"  Then I opened my mouth and said "OK, I will". And I did, I went to Haiti on a mission trip, with MY church. What a CHANCE that was.

There is no way to describe going to Haiti, there are no words, you honestly have to go there and witness it first hand. But I can say this, the group of people I went with will be my friends for as long as I live, and their spouses and children are included in my life as well. Pretty much once I committed to going things started to happen in my life, in my dreams, in my thoughts. I was excited, I was nervous, but I was confidant about going. I started having thoughts about orphans.  I chalked that up to Jay and his wife adopting two girls from Haiti, after all what else could it mean? Orphans, Orphans, morning, noon and night.

Mother's day 2013, I bribed/guilted my daughter to come to church with me. Kathy gave the message that day. She told us about orphans in Broward county, our county. She told us about the need for Foster parents. Click, click the puzzle pieces matched. Orphans, Foster children, Foster parent, it all fit. The next few months were filled with applications, background checks, finger prints, classes and getting my house ready for inspection. By the end of September 2013 I was licensed and had two brothers living in my house with me. Ages 4 and 2-1/2. I thought my life was hard before..........no, this was hard. This was eye opening, this was heartbreaking.  This was by far the hardest thing I have ever done, including giving birth to an all but 10 pound baby with no drugs!

There is a saying.......... Fostering isn't for sissy.  Oh how true they are. These children come into foster care because something bad is happening in their family.  It can be neglect, abuse, abandonment,  it can be so many negative things, but they are not removed for anything good. These children have been living in a world none of us would chose for ourselves. Or chose for anyone we love. When I was in my MAPP class I had visions of babies, and rainbows, lollipops and unicorns. About half way through the ten week course I realized none of that was going to happen. It was going to be babies, yes, toddlers, children, pre teens and teenagers.  All of them carrying their own baggage, and I do not mean clean clothes and new shoes. Their baggage is emotional, it's physical, it traumatic,  it left scars and it is real so very real. They come carrying head lice, ring worm, pink eye, snot that never seems to end. They come carrying anger, fear and confusion.

When you get  that first call you jump for joy - "YES - it is official I am a Foster mom". But as you drive to SafePlace you realize that your excitement is because a kid just had one of the worst days of his or her short life.  Not only have they been living with a parent or parents that hurt each other or hurt them, that do not or cannot feed them, that do not or cannot love them, that have substance addictions, that can not or will not take them for vaccines, that cannot or do not send them to school, that just cannot take care of them the way that is required, but then they were TAKEN from the only family they know or have. So as I stood outside that door with a friend waiting to meet these two boys I would be caring for it hit me..........WHAT HAVE YOU GOTTEN YOURSELF INTO? The door is locked, the entry is small, it is an efficient operation, provide your ID, sign a paper and wait. Then they call you back to sign more papers, papers that officially declare you responsible for a child or children that you have not planned for, that you have never met before, that until right now you did not realize even existed.  I took my friend along, I had the foresight to realize I would be in shock and she could ask the questions I could not even form in my mind. Then you leave..........with new children.

What do I say, what is their story, what should I feed them, will my dogs scare them, will work be mad I have to go in late because I have to go to Target to buy them clothes because what they are wearing does not fit. Remember to call daycare right away in the morning, what about the doctor appointment, will they sleep, will I sleep, and again what was I thinking?

It isn't easy, not at all.  You realize your only CHANCE is to pray, and pray a lot. Each of us has our own "first night" story. Mine was classified as a horror story, it has now been rated a comedy, because frankly you cannot make this crap up!  I had the brothers just about four months until they were moved to a place that had better availability for services they required. I started off wanting to help their bio mom, support her as a friend. I sent her photos, I told her about their progress, I tried to help with visits, but it eventually became apparent she was not capable of accepting kindness, or help, or emotional support. Her emotional state did not allow for that. Nor did her support group. All of the tears I shed for those boys and the situation that I was unable to fix were lessons.  Lessons from God, lessons about humbling myself, lessons about prayer, lessons about asking for help, whether it was asking God or asking a family member or friends, lessons that I am not superwoman and I need God in my life every minute of every day.

I needed a break, I decided on a little over a month.  A month to relax, get some things done around the house, sit and do nothing, spend time with my grandson.  A month, yea a month. Six days into my hiatus I got a phone call, my heart skipped when I saw the caller ID, I considered not answering, but God said ANSWER THE PHONE. He is persistent like that. I answered, it was a placement call, she is 13 months, youngest of six, living in a motel room in Palm Beach, would I consider taking her?

There had been a lot of conversation regarding the age range I would take for all future placements. I had decided to go lower in age, I thought the younger the better, they won't have developed the behaviors that were so out of control. So 13 months was in my new range, it was a girl, a girl! I prayed about it, I consulted my daughter, I consulted my friend. No one would tell me what to do.  I prayed again, God told me what to do. Take her.

I waited at home for her caseworker to bring her down from Palm Beach. I gathered diapers and wipes, I got some bottles out and some sippy cups, I wasn't sure which she used. I raked my brain trying to remember what my grandson ate when he was that age, I ended up calling my daughter because I could not think. I waited by the front door looking out the peep hole. Waiting, waiting, calculating travel time and wondering if they got lost, changed their minds, left later.  Then they pulled into my driveway, I went out to help with the baby and her belongings. I was handed a sleeping baby (OK good sign), I was handed her CRR book and I was handed a plastic grocery bag with her clothes. That was it, no tips, no she likes this, nothing. She was sucking her thumb, she was wearing boy clothes, I laid her on the guest bed to change her diaper and put her jammies on. She didn't have any, so I immediately start thinking, do I have any of my grandson's here? I did, OK, not so bad she can sleep in boy jammies it doesn't really matter. I changed her and put her in the crib and stood and watched her, a sleeping baby is probably the most beautiful and innocent thing ever. I grabbed her plastic bag and left the room, I know from experience to wash everything they come with to avoid "things" and smells. She came to me with nothing of use. Again, I hope work doesn't get mad for me calling out. I went to Target got her some clothes, diapers, jammies. Called daycare got her in there and made a trip to my agency to raid their warehouse of donated items. Scheduled her doctor appointment and took her. I felt good, I felt accomplished, I felt more organized this time.  Knowing that different agencies needed to see her, make sure things were going well, etc.

I knew what needed done this time, and I knew what to do this time.  It's kind of like a new mother and her first baby versus the same mother with her third child. There is no more hand sanitizer, they get spit on the finger cleaned, do the shoes match the pants and shirt, third kid - they are lucky to have two matching shoes before they rush out the door to school. It just happens now, yes there are frustrations, but that is normal, they are not your children, there are government agencies involved, there are caseworkers, no one seems to be on the same page, let alone reading the same book, and forget about even being in the same library, there is a saying, to many cooks in the kitchen........................

Fostering isn't for sissys. But it is for me.
I can carry two babies, a diaper bag and push a double stroller all at the same time, I can make dinner, gather eggs, feed the dogs and wipe a snotty nose, I can walk past a mirror and not cringe at the reflection of an overweight woman but think WOW remember to schedule hair appointment, I can go to bed at night and know that I am redeemed by God and that I am doing His work, I can wake up in the morning tired but completely excited for that moment when I open the baby's door and say "good morning" and I am greeted by a smile and giggle and a princess hand wave.

I am not a sissy, I am a Foster mom!

Does this baby have a CHANCE? Yes, she does. She is living now in an environment that is healthy and loving, she is fed and clothed.  She goes to daycare and plays with other children her age.  She goes to a church where people fawn over her. She has people that give her clothes, diapers, kisses and love. Yes, she has a CHANCE.

Would I recommend being a Foster parent? YES, without hesitation, but, you need to have it on your heart. It isn't for everyone, but neither is being a doctor or nurse, or being a teacher, not everyone can open their heart to possible hurt.  If you were given the CHANCE of heartbreak or solitary living, which would you choose?   I choose heartbreak, I choose opening my heart to possible heartbreak in hopes of the return of a child having a CHANCE, I choose GOD in order to get me through every hard, hurtful, scary, solitary step. I choose to ask for help instead of frustrating myself.

I choose taking a CHANCE everyday, all day.