About a year and half ago I walked into a church, I wasn't alone, but I felt I was missing something. Wait, rewind about a year before that........... I had a conversation with my dad. Things didn't seem to be going right for me, my life was unhappy, my world was dark, my heart was filled with hate and anger. My dad said "You need to go back to church". Yea OK, that is for sure the answer to all my woes. IT WAS.
Forward again........We walked from the the parking lot towards the church. There was a little cart that said WELCOME on it and a very bubbly girl saying good morning. Right away I clenched, people being nice kinda freaks me out, well it used to. We were given little welcome bags and some papers and directed to the church. We walked through the courtyard and then into the "lobby" of the church. Everyone along the way smiled and said Good Morning. I could hear music, loud music, not your childhood church kind of music, but some mighty awesome music. I smiled.....inside, but I smiled. We walked to the front and sat in "my place". After a few minutes the music stopped (they were warming up) and two guys came off the stage right towards us. I thought to myself "here we go". What I should have thought was "Here I go". We were dressed in motorcycle gear and carrying helmets, that is what got their attention. They looked younger then me and for all I knew they just played in the band. The one was tall, tall and built like my son, it made me smile (again inside) because he really does remind me of my son. The other, shorter, but filled with such energy and light. They introduced themselves ~ Jay and James. Then we talked about motorcycles for a bit and off they went. We sat quietly listening to music. Brendon Health was playing. How I remember this I have no idea. People starting to fill the church and then up on the screen popped a count down......5 minutes till lift off. I wish I could tell you which Pastor spoke that day, but I cannot, it all just blurred into one big fat huge smile. Again inside for the most part, but I knew my dad was right and I knew this was my new church. I also knew I would find all those answers I have been looking for, I knew I would lose all that hate and all that anger. I knew this place was for me.
I went almost every Sunday, could not wait for Sunday, I felt like a kid on Christmas Eve everyday. I started listening to Christian Contemporary music, I download a Bible app, I "liked" the church on Facebook. I wanted to plug in everywhere I could. I signed up for the clean up day at the church, I went to a women's group painting class, I joined the Women's Ministry, I met more and more people, I became friends with more and more people. I also started to see how so many of my existing relationships were toxic. People I thought were my friends suddenly resented me, they tried to make me feel bad about going to church, they insulted me and my family, and those relationships ended. I didn't need them, I had God. I had new friends, people that I could talk to, to learn from, to share, to pray with. Prayer had always been somewhat of a mystery to me, I didn't get it, I didn't really do it, except in those "Hail Mary" situations, where I attempted an ill fated bargain, that never ever worked out. I listened to them praying, and thought "they are just talking to God, there is no secret handshake, you just talk.
Every week that went by I learned more and more about all those people that go to Calvary Chapel Sawgrass. Pieces were falling into place. Well some pieces were falling into place and some pieces were completely decimated. The relationship I was in was falling apart, I spoke to one of the Pastors at church, he and his wife prayed for and with me. That I have to say is one of the best feelings. I asked Jay questions, yea, Jay is one of the Pastors at church, that big guy I met on day one, a pastor. In fact he is the Youth Pastor, he sings, he plays piano, he leads the youth and he rides a motorcycle. Again so not that childhood church thing happening. But I like it!!!
One day I was talking to Jay and he said "You should go to Haiti with us on a mission trip". I said OK, just like that, no thinking, no asking questions, nothing. I felt great about this idea, not a worry to be felt. I met the team we were going with, I really only knew Jay and Princess and Seth and James before the trip, everyone else I had no idea who they were.
For a few weeks before the Haiti trip I prayed and prayed, talked to God. I woke up one morning with one word on my heart and on my mind ~ "Orphans". At first I thought it was because I have been thinking so much about the trip to Haiti. Researching the area and history, asking people questions, planning. I woke up every morning and spent everyday thinking about Orphans. It wasn't like I heard the voice of God, it was just more of a thought, sometimes passing, sometimes it stayed with me.
Mother's Day 2013 ~ My daughter went to church with me, I had been kinda trying to get her there without her knowing I was trying to get her to go to church. I am sure she saw this coming a mile away. I had been taking my grandson, her son, to church with me when I had him overnight. At first she wouldn't let me take him, then she gave up a little and I could take him. It was perfect, he loves the music, my friends loved him, he napped during the message and woke again for the music. He didn't bother anyone and he was hearing what was being said regardless of if he "got it". Then he got older and the nap during the message was not happening so off to the nursery we went. Again he loved it and the ladies loved him. Then she came along, I told her it would mean so much if she came for Mother's day. Kathy gave the message ~ the Senior Pastor's wife, also my group leader for Women's Ministry, also someone I can talk to and know there will be no judgement and only honesty. She made an announcement about the staggering number of children in Foster Care in Broward County. There was a family there that fosters and we could speak to them after service if we were interested. I could not get there fast enough. I went online and sent my info to start the process right away.
Was this why I had Orphans on my mind? Was it Haiti? Was it just my imagination?
May 2013 I went to Haiti with seventeen (17) other people, some younger then me, some older, men and women, all of us mixed together made a team that is mighty. I will admit I had some concerns about going to Haiti. The language barrier for one, but we had a translator that would be with us all the time and Princess (Jay's wife) spoke the language fluently. Money, do I need to take some? Do I have to convert it? What is the rate of exchange? Safety was also a concern. At our team meetings they told us to not give anyone our luggage to carry, do not give anyone money or we will get overwhelmed. Do not wonder off, stick with the team.
At the airport we all got through security and into our gate area, little groups formed, I didn't really know anyone so I sat down and hoped they would sit with me. Kelsey and Chopper sat down, I knew nothing about either except I knew Chopper is a good friend of Jay's. We played games on Kelsey's iPad, Bible games, guessing games, we talked, we walked around, we got something to eat, and we took pictures. Then it was time to board the plane, we kinda sat in two groups, the cool kids in the front, the not so cool kids in the back. I was in the back. But it was AWESOME! I was going to Haiti! If you would have told me I would be going to Haiti two years ago I would have sworn you were insane.
Once we landed in Port Au Prince and got off the plane and through customs and all together again I was slightly panicked. There were a few moments when it was just me and getting where I needed to go. But it worked out. We all walked outside into a bright, hot, crowded world. I wanted to see it all but needed to keep holding onto someone's backpack. I felt like a kid in a huge crowd of adults. Then we arrived at our special order transportation.....The Short Bus! Per the request of Jay! We all got on and headed out, we were introduced to our driver, and the others that were there.
There is really no way to describe Port Au Prince that would guarantee the person you are describing it to would understand. So many people, so many vehicles, no real traffic rules, rubble, garbage, men, women and children everywhere. I just kind of sat there and looked out the window and was in awe. We all were taking pictures, we were saying look over here, look over there. A good portion of the group had been there before, so they knew. I didn't know, you see pictures, you watch the news, but you really do not get it until you are right in the middle of it. Port Au Prince Haiti is amazing yet depressing, full of life and full of death, colorful yet bleak. A well oiled machine but completely Chaotic at the same time.
I am writing this about two months post Haiti, I want to remember these events because I am pretty sure someone else will find Jesus Christ by reading my story. But right now I am 48 and looking forward, but I also look backwards and try and figure out why things happened. In another post perhaps........
While in Haiti we helped to bring an orphanage back from the destruction of the Earthquake in 2010. This Orphanage has a special place in many of the hearts of the mission team and others at our church. You see there are two young, beautiful young ladies that used to call it their home. This orphanage is where Jay and Princess found their future, their family, their daughters. Things move slow in Haiti and adoption is no different, paperwork, approvals, and clearances bog down an already overwhelmed system. As I type this we all continue to pray that their girls will come home soon. I met these two girls after hearing so much about them and seeing pictures, it was almost my biggest anticipation of the trip. Who are these mystery girls that have captured the hearts of everyone at our church? When we stepped off the bus to say hello to them it was at a different orphanage then the one needing repair, you see they were moved three weeks prior to a place that would allow the adoption to proceed, there were accreditation issues before which completely stopped the process. We all gathered and spoke to a man that informed us the girls are in school, just up the road, yes, you can walk up there. So off they went to get the girls. After a short time they were back, we were hot and thirsty, but when those girls saw their mom and some of the other team members they had met before it all disappeared. I had seen so many pictures of them I would have recognized them anywhere. I said hello and got a kiss from each and it was like they were immediately family. Their smiles, their hugs, their laughter, it was all magical. Some of us kept moving so we could look at them better. Well maybe it was just me. I felt like just looking at them and watching them and listening to them would automatically unlock a secret door to a secret world that I wanted to badly. I knew right then why.
We all got back on the bus, except Princess, she was going to stay there with her daughters. We went to the mission house where would would be staying during our trip. We all got out and met the staff and stretched and went to our rooms. All the girls were in one room (with a/c!) and the guys divided up into three (3) other rooms. We met back downstairs loaded the bus with supplies and it was off to the Diakonos to start working. Our drive was long, and we went through some pretty bad areas. We saw tents, shacks, we saw garbage and rubble, sometimes the smell was so bad we would put our shirt over our noses. The drive took a long time, there are a lot of vehicles there and no real rules of the road, you just keep going until you can't go any more. When we arrived and the gate was opened we drove in, and there in front of the building were children, small, tall young, older, all of them had the same expression. A BIG HUGE SMILE! They were happy we came, they knew that we had candy, they knew we had clothes and shoes, they knew they would get hugs and kisses and carried around. After our welcome the men all dispatched into their jobs and the ladies kinda drifted to the kids. I have a picture on my desktop at work of all of us, the team, the kids, the people that take care of them. I find myself staring at it so much. A happy group, a productive group, a group full of love.
I painted the outside of the building with some of the other team members, while some painted inside. I kept finding myself back out front holding a child, or going to the bus and getting more lollipops, or ring pops. My daughter gave me some sunglasses for them, I gave those to some of the older kids and also some t-shirts. Then I would go back and paint, and then end up out front once again. I got my iPad out and they were playing a drawing game and I played some music. They love technology, they wanted pictures taken of themselves and then to look at the screen to see the picture. I painted, I held small children, I kissed a lot of kids that day and hugged even more. I never really considered myself a "kid" person, I have two children, I have nephews, I have friends with little kids, and older kids, in fact I have a grandson that is 16 months as of this date. Prior to Kayden being born I could take or leave kids. Tolerated them to a point, one thing I could do was find endless flaws in the way their parents were raising them. Too this, not enough that, that one is gonna end up in jail, that one will get his butt kicked in middle school, that one, well that one just bless his little soul, he has no hope. JUDGEMENT, it was my main game. Especially when it came to kids. In fact the very way I use the words kid vs child or child vs kid. I use child as a endearing term and kid as in well whatever!
But sitting with these orphans, the children that have no parents, no family, or were just unwanted broke my cold little heart. I mean how can anyone look at these faces and not want to have them in their lives. Yes, some lost their parents in the Earthquake and there was no one that could take them or wanted them, but there were also some that were there because their moms just could not take care of them because there were so many other kids she was trying to feed.
All a child wants is to know is that they are loved and they matter and someone does indeed care. I have come to realize how these orphanages work, it isn't that they sit there all year until we come once a year to visit, help and feed them. Groups go there often. They get this "someone loves me" and then it is followed by "and they are gone". Over and Over and Over. This is heartbreaking, they deserve so much more, but it isn't possible for one church mission group to solve all the problems at any one Orphanage. This is a global problem that requires many many people to open their hearts and their homes to these children. Haiti, Russia, Africa, China, and so many more under developed, impoverished countries. So this is my question to myself..................
What can I do?
While I was in Haiti we went to a village in Canez, to describe it would be easy and yet impossible. They live in little huts made out of sticks and mud. Did you hear me sticks and mud? There are people in this world that live in huts. They have no drinkable water unless they hike out. Now don't get me wrong they are not living in the middle of a bleak desert, yea it is down a mountain/hillside, there is just two ruts for vehicles, there are few trees. But at the bottom of this is a beautiful body of water, back dropped by mountains. It is quite lovely. On the waters edge are boats that the villagers use to net fish. The lake however is brackish water, not drinkable, not really usable. When we got out of the buses all around us were people that call this village their home. Babies, toddlers, children, teens, adults. I squealed with delight, this was it! This was why God wanted me in Haiti. This was the moment that would change how I think, feel, do, spend, react, respond, pray, how I do everything. I knew at that moment when Chopper handed me the bag of lollipops my life would never be the same again. I dumped the lollipops in my shirt and held it up and started handing them out. I was in the middle of a 10 people deep on all sides, little brown arms reaching and grabbing. Of course I have to try and maintain calm and order otherwise I will have a melt down. Guess what - it was awesome, I didn't care that some got 10 and some only got one, I didn't care if the adults started to push the little ones out of their way. OK, I did care about that and I told them "babies, let me give to the babies", "Calm down I have enough". Honestly I didn't think we had enough we had given some out and the bag was not even half full. But I kept reaching into my shirt and finding more to give out. And that is the power of GOD! At one point the older ones started patting themselves on the chest and saying "baby". They caught on quick! As I was handing them out I hear "What is your name?" I was shocked still. I turned and I looked in the eyes of this young woman wearing a pretty blue shirt and said "you speak English?" "Yes, some" she said. I hugged her and told her my name and told her I was so happy to be visiting her today.
We later learned the stats of this village ~ 279 children and about 60 adults. Needless to say there were a lot of naked little kids to hold and hug and kiss. OK, they were not all naked, but OH MY GOSH! I fell in love with everyone of them. There were newborn babies and they told us how they deliver babies there. There were toddlers that didn't say much. They all wanted to have their pictures taken, and they all wanted to be carried and hugged. The men of the team organized and handed out Manna packs and vitamins to the family leaders. They have a census of sorts to keep things in order. The women held babies, took walks, played, took pictures, talked to them. We asked names, we told them our names. everyone wanted our sunglasses and hats, except for poor Jon, he had a Miami Marlins hat that was actually refused by the intended recipient. We laughed about that for hours. They did however take his sunglasses without pause. At one point I was walking around holding three little children, all of them clinging onto me. I met the mothers, and the grandmothers, I told them their children are beautiful and God loves them. I sang little songs to them. I could have stayed there so much longer but we had to leave and be back before dark. I got into our van and just looked out at them, would I ever see them again? Will they remember us? Will they be OK? then it happened. Miss Gay sat beside me and touched my shoulder and softly said "are you OK?" I had no words that made any sense, all I had was tears, I cried half the way back to the mission house. Everyone was quiet, it was heartbreaking to see that, but worse is to see that and not find a place in your heart for all of them.
Then you start asking questions......to yourself and to God........ Are they happy, do they realize what they do not have, would they change any of it for something different? So many questions. Since our return Seth's company has paid for and arranged for a well to be built there for them. GO Seth!
There is so much more from our trip that I will touch on later but I am trying to get to a current place so I can start daily journal entries to track my journey.
Since I have been back I have started the process to be a foster parent. It isn't as easy as just signing up, there is a lot of paperwork, a ten (10) week course you MUST complete, finger prints, background checks, financial checks. And you know what I realized, it IS easier to just not, to just stay in your comfortable bubble you call your life and "hope" it turns out good for everyone. But that is not realistic, whatsoever. If God would have not placed his blessing onto The Fatherless, The Widows, The Poor then non of us would have. He showed us love, therefore we can love. God wants us to all help those that need help. The widow working two jobs while raising three children, the little girl that has no parents because Daddy got mad at Mommy and she went to Heaven and Daddy had to go away, The guy you see every time you go for gas, sitting on the side staring into space. As Christians we have the power to know what God wants for us, he gave us the manual, he gave us the tools, all we have to do is apply it. Giving someone help is such a joy. I know people that have said, I am not going to insult them by giving them money or clothes. Would it be an insult to provide a few minutes of your day to make someone else smile and know that God loves them? No. I have myself thought "I am not giving this guy any money, clearly he will just buy beer with it", in fact some of them here in South Florida hold signs that say "Why lie, I need a beer". Well yea it is a conflict in your heart, will this five bucks just go for beer? Maybe, maybe not. But what I say to them is here is five bucks, get yourself a healthy meal and God loves you and I will pray for you." Two years ago, no way, no how, not ever would I have done that. But God opened my eyes so that I see everyone as he sees them. Everyone is my brother or sister in Christ. Yea some people annoy me still, some people scare me, some people flat out piss me off, but I don't allow those feelings to grow in my heart. I ask God to take them and return to me what He wants for me.
So I have these things going on ~ Foster Parent process, helping the poor, and I am starting the process to adopt one of the young girls I met in Haiti. Three things, right? No, it is never just three things. Not by a long shot.
I just completed my fourth (4th) week of the MAPP classes that are required to become a Foster Parent. Thus far I have completed every possible application for my personal household situation, I had my first home visit to sign more papers and to go over what is expected in regards to the home inspection, I have had my finger prints taken, I am reading books that 4Kids have suggested to read. I have bought fire extinguishers, outlet covers, cabinet locks, first aid kit, pool rescue float. I have provide copies of pet rabies shots, I have done homework assignments. But one of the most startling things I have done was to realize the enormity of the foster child population in Broward County. Right here in my county there are kids that are not able to live in their homes for many different reasons. Children of all ages, children that are put to the disadvantage as soon as they have to leave their homes. In the classes I am seeing how things must seem to a child, how to step into their shoes in order to best help them once they arrive to my home. Last night we did a guided imagery exercise. Erin told us to close our eyes and she was going to tell us a story. I am not sure how one story can invoke so many emotions and make me realize that everything I do, everything I say to a child that is placed in my home will have a forever impact. I pray daily that God will help me with my words and my actions, so that one day when that little child is an adult they can think "Betsy was a great part of my life".
I pray that God gives me the knowledge, understanding, love and courage in order to help these children. When I tell people that I am getting licensed to Foster children almost right away they say "how will you be able to give them back?" Well this is a huge concern for me, but I trust God enough to get me through it, I am also realistic enough to know going into this that it isn't all puppies, butterflies and cute babies. But God loves me enough to get me from a test to a testimony.
